Growing Up Apart (It Still Hurts)
by DebNightingale
Summary: When you love someone there's a time when you have to let them go. It doesn't always happen, but sometimes that possibility it comes. Close Yet So Far Sequel. Eventual Brittana.
1. Chapter 1

**So here it begins the sequel of Close Yet So Far, I wanna remember you that I'm not english, but italian so I'm sorry for my mistakes, but don't be too hard on me! Anyway I don't know if you will like it or not but give it a try. If there's gonna be some new reader I suggest you to read the previous story to understand some things.**

 **I don't own Glee obviously!**

* * *

 **Santana POV**

It's my wedding day, I'm in exasy, a bit nervous yes, but so happy. I'm getting ready in my dressin room and Quinn is with me trying to not making me drink or get the dress dirty, so annoying. After almost 5 years we're ready to do this step together, Brittany and I are ready, it wasn't always easy, I made mistakes, she did too, but we moved on, we love eachother so much. Mistakes are something present in a relationship right? Or doubts.. Who doesn't have them? The important thing is goin on, we wouldn't be here if not. Obviously not everyone can go on, my grandmother couldn't and so she isn't here today, it makes me sad because when I thought about my wedding she was there, happy for me.. Well when I thought about my weddind I pictured myself with a man and so did she, so..

"It's almost time, how come your mom isn't here?" Quinn asks taking me away from my thoughts.

"I don't know, she's probably with Britt, by now I think she loves her more than me!"

"Britt isn't here"

"What?" I turn my face so fast to her that it almost fall from my neck.

"She got ready at home and then come here, she's probably in the parking with Rachel now"

"Ok, can you close my dress now?"

Quinn gets behind me and she closes the zip and then we leave the room, we reach the main room just a door before the aisle, Susan and my dad are there waiting for me and Brittany, my mom is already inside. Quinn gives me a kiss on the cheek and she enters, Susan hugs me and my dad takes my hand.

"I'm really happy, I was waiting for this day so long, I love you so much San"

"I love you too Susan, you're my second mom by now you know that right?" She nods, I can see her tears.

"Baby we have to go, the music started, your mom is gonna murder us if we are late" My dad says.

I nod and the door opens at my sign, my eyes start to water at the sight, it's amazing, this long beautiful white aisle, all the room full of white and bright purple flowers, I see my mom in the first row lean on her side to look at me walking, she's already crying. I start walking with my dad, I smile to the people trying to not stumble on my dress when suddenly the music stops, for a second I think I did stumble, but I'm still walking and my steps were fine, so.. I stop walking and turn to the pianist, does he want to get killed?! Why the hell did we stop? I see Rachel near him crying.

She looks at me, she walks to me and caresses my arms giving me a little squeeze, I look at her lost, why is she crying? It's like I'm in another world, why the music stopped? Why am I not already at the altar? Where's Brittany? I let my dad's hand go.

"I'm so sorry Santana, so sorry" She says crying.

"Sorry? Sorry for what?"

"Oh God" My dad whispers, I look at him and then at Rachel again.

"What's happening?" My lips start to tremble, she keeps crying "Where's Brittany?" I repeat on the edge, Quinn, Susan and my mom come to us, they're confused too.

"She's not here" I hear people start to mumble around us.

"What does it mean she's not here?" I don't know if I feel more in panic or angry and confused, I can feel all my body start to sweat.

"She said she's sorry, she loves you, she really loves you, but.. She wants you to be free, free to date whoever you want, she can't be the one who hurts you in the long time"

"What are you talking about? I'm here to marry her! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" I try to stay calm but I can't, I see my mom shocked, with her hand in front of her mouth.

"She said you know what it is"

"We moved on, we left those things behind us, we came back together, I.. SHE ASKED ME TO MARRY HER" I shout again "She can't do this, where is she?"

"I-I don't know, she told me those things and then she left" I let myself go and I start crying no stop, Rachel hugs me before I can fall on the floor and I cry on her shoulder, my dad puts his hand on my shoulder, my mom sits incredulously and Susan ran outside with her phone in her hand.

I don't know for how long I cried in Rachel's arms, when I lean back half of the people left, I don't see Quinn, I sit on the first bench and I hug my arms.

"Leave, I wanna be alone" Rachel nods sniffing and I can't do otherwise than stare at the altar, my dad put his jacket around my shoulders and leaves and with him everybody else until I'm the only one inside. I let my arms relax and immediately my right hand goes to the left one, touching with my fingers my ring, the ring she gave me, the promise she did to me and I start to cry again.

How could she do this? HOW?

 **Quinn POV**

I can't believe her, after I heard Rachel say those things I run to our flat calling Brittany but she didn't answer. I open the door and I start running from room to room.

"BRITTANY WHERE ARE YOU? BRITTANY"

I run to her room and there's a mess, it seems she took some of her clothes and that she fought with the rest, things are on the floor, broken or destroyed, on her door there's a hole done by a punch. On her bed the photo of her and Santana, I close the door and I look out of the window and her bike isn't in the park, where did she go? I go into the kitchen and I see a paper on the table and I start to read.

 _Quinn I'm really sorry, you know I really am, but I couldn't marry her, this morning while I was dressing I thought that this was going to be one of the best days of my life and how many others will be there, like when will we go to live together, or when our child will be born, things like that. But then I thought about everything happened between us, when we started dating, when she talked to her grandmother, all the broke ups, when we fought for Jason. I didn't know if those happy moments I was imagining were going to be hers too. She still doesn't know who she wants, she's not sure about having a girl next to her for the rest of her life, you saw it, you knew it too. I couldn't marry her and trap her in this relationship, with time we would have destroyed eachother as you saw it when Jason came around, so I preferred not to marry her and let her be, I know she's not gonna forgive me, but I did it for her, for us, I love her so much Quinn. I know she's your bestfriend and I really hurt her and I know I'm hurting you too, I'm really sorry, you're my family Quinn, always. I hope one day you will forgive me._

I don't know what to think, I crumple the letter and throw it on my bag, I take my keys and drive back to the church, outside there are Susan, Maribel, Robert and Rachel, I park and reach them.

"Where's Santana?"

"Still inside" Rachel says.

I walk inside and I see her, sit, she's not crying anymore, but her face says everything, I sit next to her and I take her hand. How are we going to face this?

"She's gone" She says.

"Yes"

We stay there for another hour or so, saying nothing, just looking in front of us, I don't know what to say to her, what can you say in these moments? But I know we can't keep staying here. She can't stay here.

"We need to go San"

"I can't move.. Or maybe it's just that if I leave this church everything would become even more real, if I leave the church I know for sure I'm not going to be married at the end of this day, if I leave the chur-" She starts to crying hysterically.

"Sweety" I caress her face "Come on, I'll bring you home"

We walk ourside, she holds on her father's jacket tight, embracing herself, they all stand up when they see us, I place my hand on her back while we walk.

"Honey can I do something?" Maribel asks.

"No, I just wanna go home and take this dress off"

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"No, Rachel and Quinn will be there"

We walk to my car, Rachel behind us, when she enters I see Susan on the phone again, still shouting and crying, it seems no one is on the other side, then she hungs up and Maribel hugs her. What have you done Britt?

Once at Santana and Rachel's flat we all sit on the couch and stay quiet, after awhile Santana stands up and not turning to us she asks to help her with the dress. We stand up and slowly take her dress off, Rachel carefully looses her hair then without saying anything she walks to the bathroom and takes a shower, while Rachel and I sit in the kitchen.. We can hear her cry even with the water on.

"Do you know where is she?" I ask her.

"No, not even Susan knows it, is she going to come back?"

"I don't know, right now I'm more worried about Santana"

"Me too, but she's still my best friend"

Santana exits the bathroom in her bathrobe and sit with us.

"Do we have alcool?" She asks.

"San drinking is not t-"

"Quinn let her, I think today she can drink all she wants, I'm gonna buy something at the grocery" Rachel leaves and then the letter came on my mind, I take it from my bag and I put it on the table.

"It was in the kitchen" She opens it and read it, I think she read it three or four times before she goes to the cookers and fire it "Fuck San!" I stand up and turn it off immediately.

"Tomorrow I'm gonna take my things back, and I don't want anything of hers here"

"I can do it for you" After she dressed herself Rachel comes back with a bag full of drinks and two boxes of pizza.

The next morning my phone wakes me, Santana, I sit up and only Rachel and I are in her bed, when she left? Why is she calling me? I answer the phone while I wake Rachel up.

"San where are you?"

"What's happening?" Rachel asks sitting up "Where's Santana?"

"Shh I'm talking to her.. San?"

"I'm at your house, can you come here?" Santana says.

"We're coming" I hung up "We have to go"

When we arrive she's in the kitchen with some empty bag. Last night was awful, she was drunk as fuck, more she drank more she cryied and more she cryied more she drank. It all stopped when she finally fell asleep, Rachel and I took her on her bed and we lie down next to her scared she would wake up in the night to throw up or cry again or do something stupid.

"Why did you come alone?" She shrugs her shoulders.

"I'm gonna pack your things ok?" Rachel asks and Santana simply nods. She's broken she couldn't even pack her things, I don't think she could even enter her room.

 **Two weeks later**

Still no news about Brittany, I'm so pissed at her but still worried, I knew she wouldn't come back here, you can't do something like that to Santana and then come back, she'll killl her, but I didn't expect to not hear about her at all. Rachel is about to going crazy and Susan, I'm really worried about her and I don't know how to help, Brittany is still no answering anyone.

In these two weeks I fixed her room left her texts and calls, I took a plane and went home to search for her there and to stay with Susan, Rachel did the same, she searched for her everywhere, every place she and Brittany went or talked about, but nothing. Susan went to the police, but since Brittany is not a baby, since the circumstances she left and that she even left a note they can't do anything about it, even Maribel and Robert helped, they are angry, but still worried.

Santana, well, she obviously did not try to find her, she doesn't even want to hear her name and for Rachel is a really uncomfortable situation since they live together, she brought all Brittany's things back and I think she burned her wedding dress, but maybe I'm exaggering, probably she just thrown it away. She's starting to go out with her friends, to distract hersel, but how can she. She spends more time with them than me and Rachel, but I can understand it, we remind her Brittany and then she knows we're worried about her too.

Where the hell are you Brittany Pierce?

* * *

 **I know I know, why the hell did I do that?! Bad bad Deb!**

 **It's still gonna be a Brittana story.. In the end!**

 **Let me know what you think, do you want me to go on? I'll see how it goes and then decide if I'll go on, it's on you. I hope someone is interested.**

 **-Deb**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi, thank you for the three reviews I got! That's what I get for breaking them up right?!**

* * *

 **Brittany POV**

I'm sit in my hotel room with my phone in my hands, am I going to call one of them? Am I going to stare at the phone like the last two weeks? I don't even know where I'm, when I left on my wedding day I just turn on my bike and drive, nowhere to go, just somewhere away from New York, away from Santana. Once I thought I was far enough I stopped and found an hotel, so here I'm, hidden from everyone, they are so going to kill me.

I don't think I'm ever going to come back there, I can't see Santana, I don't know what I'm gonna do but I have to figure out something and first of all, I have to find the courage to call them. My phone was full of texts and calls, I never answered, only one of them was from Santana and it wasn't something I wanted to hear.

" _Leave a message after the BEEP:_ I don't know where you are and honestly I don't care, you can't ask me to marry you and then leave me there on the aisle. What have I done to you to deserve this? I read the letter you left Quinn, and notice that you left a peace of paper, and not even to me, are you serious bringing those things back? I thought we moved on, why the hell you asked me to marry you if you weren't over those things? We could have postpons the wedding, fuck we could have not get married at all. This Brittany was too much, I will never forgive you, what you did was.. I don't, I just.. I don't want to see you ever again, I don't want to hear anything about you, you own me this.. I just don't understand.. Why? I love you Brittany why do you think I want someone else? Didn't I love you enough? What did you want more? I gave myself to you, I was going to marry you, what else did you want from me?.. Well, I think it doesn't matter anymore, everything we had now is over.. Goodbye Brittany."

It was really hard to hear her voice, she was so angry, sad and I think she was drunk, it broke me even more. I cried all the first week and now I don't have any more tears, I just have to move on, try to move on. I get out of the room and walk around, I have to face them, I have to face what I've done, more I wait and worse it's gonna get, I take my phone and I go to my contacts, mom.

"Brittany?" She sounds tired.

"Mom? Mom I'm sorry" I say before she could say anything and I start crying immediately.

"Britt honey are you ok?"

"Yes mom, I'm just really sorry, I shouldn't have left you an-"

"Britt it's ok, I'm just happy you're ok, just come home, please Britt, we can talk then, please, where are you?"

"In a small city, about an hour or so from New York"

"Ok, do you want me to come get you?"

"No mom it's ok"

"You are really going to come right Britt?"

"Yes mom"

"I love you Britt"

"I love you mom"

After I hung up I start thinking about what to tell to Rachel and Quinn, how am I gonig to contact them? Mostly Quinn, I don't know what to do with her, and the Lopez? I have to see them, but how can I? They must hate me, I wouldn't want to see me too. I decide to rest all day so I can leave in the morning.

Making my way home makes me realize that I really did it, not that I didn't get it before, but just, it's hard to also come back home where it all started. I arrive home in the early afternoon, I park my bike and I open the door, I leave my bag on the floor and I go toward the kitchen.

"Mom? Are you home?" Before I can enter she runs and hugs me, I immediately hug her back. How could I have done this to her too?

"Don't ever do it again Brittany, I was so worried" She says crying.

"I'm sorry mom"

"I was going crazy, no one knew where were you and the police did nothing, God I'd kill you if I weren't so happy to see you" I smile "You are ok right? You're not hurt or anything"

"I'm not hurt, but I'm not fine"

"I know honey, no one thought you could do something like that, do you wanna try to explain to me?"

I practically tell her what I wrote to Quinn, she understands my reasons, but still don't understand why I left her and maybe she's right, I could have handle it better, but I believed I was going to marry her until that morning, something snapped in my head and everything changed, I really believed in us.

"She must have been beautiful" I say.

"She really was, have you talked to her?"

"No, you're the only one I contacted, not her, not Quinn, not the Lopez and not Rachel"

"You have to call Rachel, she's worried sick, she's going crazy"

"I know, I just don't know how, how can I just call her? She's gonna kill me"

"Probably, but you have to, Britt honey you hurt more than just one person, they have to understand you but you have to understand them too ok?"

"Have you talked to Santana?"

"Just the day after the wedding, she wanted to stay alone, she is not really talking to anyone, even her parents"

"How do you know?"

"I talk to them, they ask me about you almost everyday, they are worried"

"Really? I thought they would have me dead"

"Well, they are not happy but they love you Britt, they care about you, they just want to talk to you, to understand, why don't you go to their house?"

"I can't, and I have to call Rachel and Quinn. Mom, can I stay here?"

"It's your house baby"

"I mean can I live here again?"

"Of course Britt, but why? Your life is in New York"

"Not anymore mom, I can't go there, I shouldn't even stay here, but until I find somewhere to go-"

"Britt maybe I can understand that you don't wanna come back there, but this is your home, you can't run away from here too, she knows it, you're gonna stay here"

"Thank you mom" I hug her and we talk about those two weeks we past a part.

* * *

After two days I decide that I need to call Rachel and Quinn, also because I wanna talk to the Lopez, I need to apologize to them, I wanna apologize to them. I keep walking back and fort in my room, what should I say? Hi Rachel how are you?! God why the hell haven't I called her immediately after I left? She's my best friend, she's my sister, why haven't I told her where I was? I make her number and I call.

"Brittany?" I don't know what to say "Britt are you there?".. "BRITT!"

"Hi Rachel" I hear her start crying "I'm sorry Rach, I wanted to call you I.. I'm sorry"

"God Britt I'm so gonna kill you.. Are you ok? Where the hell are you?" I tell her where I was and that I'm home now, I did nothing in those two weeks so it's not like I have too much to say "We are so pissed to you"

"I know and I deserve it"

"When are you going to come back?"

"I'm not, Rach.. I think I'm gonna stay here"

"WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" Then I hear someone talk to her.

"Why are you shouting?" It's Santana.

"Oh, Santana, I didn't know you were home..I'm gonna.. Talk outside"

"How come?" Rachel doesn't say anything "It's her?" She asks again "Well, you can tell her to go fuck herself, DID YOU HEAR ME BRITTANY? FUCK YOU, FU-"

I hear some noises, I think Rachel drops her phone or something, hearing her like that made me immediately cry, then I hear some door slammed and Rachel talks again.

"Britt are you still here?"

"Yes" I sniff.

"I'm sorry you heard her"

"It's not like I don't deserve it"

"Britt.."

"It's ok Rachel, that's why I can't come back"

"It's not fair, you're my best friend"

"Am I still?"

"Don't be stupid, of course you are, I didn't like what you did but it doesn't change anything ok? We're sisters Britt, we know eachother since forever, your mom is practically mine too, I love you so much and I know you. I'm gonna book the first plane to see you"

"Thank you, I really need to see you, I missed you so much"

"I missed you too"

"See you soon then"

"Yes and Britt? Call Quinn, now, I'm going to call her later"

"Fine, bye Rach"

I missed her so much, even if she pushes me to do things! But she's right, I have to call Quinn, so I call her, saying that I'm scared it's saying nothing. She wouldn't tell me to call her if Quinn wouldn't want to talk to me right? And even i-

"Hello?" Shit,shit,shit "Helloo? Who I- Brittany? Brittany you better talk right now"

"Hi Quinn"

"HI QUINN? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Where the fuck are you? Where the fuck where you? You can't do something like that and not say anything to me, what you did was.. Grrhh.. You fucking left, you left everything, what the hell where you thinking? You left my best friend at the altar and didn't have the gut to face her, you left her to us and then what? You disappeared for two weeks saying nothing, we were worried sick, your mother called me crying every day Brittany" I hear her breathe as she was trying to calm herself "Where are you now?"

"Home.. How are you?"

"Well, my stupid roomate slash bestfriend left me and my other bestfriend slash sister is heartbroken so, yeah I'm fine"

"I'm sorry Quinn"

"I know you are.. How are you?"

"I.. I don't know.. Lost"

"Maybe if you'd come back you'd feel a bit better, you don't get a chance to Santana, but you have a long way to ask forgiveness to me and Rachel so" Here we go.

"I'm not gonna come back Quinn"

"Say what?"

"I can't Quinn, New York is off limits for me now, I'm gonna stay here for awhile, find a job I don't know, I'll see, I can't see Santana or want her to see me, we can't live in the same city after what I've done even if it's huge like New York"

"What are you talking about? You can't give up on everything Britt, you have friends here, a job, an house, me and Rachel, you can't move away, you're life is here. You fucking followed all of us here"

"I'm sorry Quinn"

"Yeah it's the only thing you can say lately" And she hungs up.

I knew already she was gonna be pissed, it's not like I can do otherwise, she has to understand, I need her to understand, I need all of them to and I hope they do.

Quinn obviously called my mom because that evening she came into my room and hugged me, telling me that she will understand, that she will forgive me eventually, she just needs time to process everything, that now she's still mad at me and telling her I was not gonna come back just got her madder. For now there are too many people who has to forgive me, I made a really huge mess.

The next morning.

I wake up when I hear the front door close, it's probably my Mom, I hear her run upstairs but then someone jumps on me, holding me tight. I turn and it's Rachel, I cry in her arms and she lets me,I needed my bestfriend, I needed to cry with her, I cried so hard that I fell asleep on her. I wake up with Rachel caressing my hair, I hug her again and then we go downstairs to lunch with my mom.

"Here you are beautiful" My mom hugs her.

"Have you talked to Quinn?" I ask.

"Yes, she's pissed, she said she's gonna come here when she won't want to kill you"

"Good to hear that, do you think she will forgive me?"

"She's gonna be fine Britt, we talked and she calmed down, she kinda understands, she's just not happy about it. We didn't come together so one of us can stay with Santana, she's gonna fly here next week I think"

We don't say anything else, when her name is said everything stops. I can see that Rachel doesn't want to talk about her and my mom doesn't want to make me feel bad, but I don't want this. I feel like I have to say something, like you know I love her, that I left her because I love her so much to sacrifice everything, but it's useless to say it, so I just stay quiet like them.

For the rest of the day we stay at Rachel house, I played some xbox game with Liam meanwhile Rachel talks no stop about jobs I could find here. Maybe I could go to Carl and see if he could hire me back, I already worked there so I know what I have to do and everything, it's not the dance studio I was working in New York but it's fine. Right now I would do anythjng, I need to do something or I'll go crazy.

 **Some day later**

Rachel left and she made me promise to text her everyday and to call her at least twice a week, she said she will come here everytime she can, but she's going to take her degree this year so she never knows when she has free time.

I decide to talk with the Lopez, but I asked my mom to call them first, I wanted to be sure they want to see me, so I'm in front of their door, I'm sure Maribel already knows I'm here, she always caught me, but I'm glad she's waiting me to ring. Five minutes and I do it, I barely touch the ring and the door opens immediately, I already have tears all over my cheeks, Maribel looks at me for a second and then she hugs me. I didn't expect her to hug me, I let myself go and cry hugging her back.

"I'm sorry Maribel"

"Come inside" We walk into the kitchen and she starts making some tea "ROBERT BRITTANY IS HERE" Then Robert enters the room, I look at him, what should I do?

"Hi Brittany" He says giving me a light hug, we sit and wait for the tea.

"How are you?" He asks me.

"I'm.. Trying" He nods slowly "How are you?"

"Good"

"Why did you accept to see me? I thought you would never want to see me again..I didn't expect this, I bet Santana would be mad to know I'm here"

"Brittany you hurt our daughter really bad, but you didn't kill her, we know you're an amazing girl, we know you, we just want to talk" Maribel says giving us the tea.

"I didn't know I was going to leave her" I look at them and then on the floor, O try to not cry "When I woke up that morning I was sure I was going to marry her, but meanwhile I was getting ready, things got in my mind"

"What kind of things?" Maribel asks.

"Santana.. I know she loved me, but I think that she was going to marry me just becausd of that"

"Because she loved you?" Robert asks confused about what I said.

"She was going to marry me to make me happy and not because she wanted to marry me, don't get me wrong, I know she was happy about it, but I also know that she was never sure about being married to a girl, to be with a girl for the rest of her life. There were fights and break ups in our relationship and most of them were because of that. If we'd have got married she would have that doubt forever and with time it would have destoyed us"

"How can you know it?" Robert asks again.

"Because it already almost happened, when all that mess about Jason came up, we fought really bad, we broke up, we almost ended things for good, I cheated on her, I know we weren't together when it happened, but still I did. What was happening to us was destroying our relationship. We're young and she needs to date people to understand what she wants"

"And what do you want Brittany?" Maribel asks.

"I did this because I love her, not because I wanted to leave her, I love Santana so much that I prefer to see her happy with someonelse that unhappy with me"

"I don't understand, she was happy with you, she loved you Brittany, I understand what are you saying, it's honorable and full of love even if it doesn't seem, it's just, I don't see that as your situation, I don't see Santana as the girl you're saying"

"She always looked at the 'perfect' couples, boy and girl, with eyes that never looked at the same way at gays, as they were perfect and we missed something, when we talked about childern she always got weird, she always thought that 'making' a baby was easy or at least not so complicated, because for the classic couple it is, but when we talked about clinics, donators, doctors etc she got all nervous and uncomfortable. I was her first girlfriend, we are only 22 and we were together for almost 5 years already, she just needs to experience, she doesn't know if she can still be with a boy or not, she could be bisexual, we don't know, she always had the doubt about having a conventional relationship. She needs to date other people to understand it, she has to delete that chance from her, she has to understand that being with a boy it's not what she wants, that making a baby through a clinic or something like that it's what she wants because she's with a girl or maybe she'll understand that she still likes boys and be with them so the doubts she had were true. I've always been gay, I never liked boys, I were with some other girl before Santana, I'm young just like her, but I'm perfectly sure of who I am, she isn't, she loved me and that was hiding everyting else and it came up when we fought, or when somebody looked at her weird or when her grandmother disowned her" Robert doesn't say anything.

"You were amazing with her Brittany, you helped her when she didn't want it but she needed it, I'm grateful she met you, she'll be hurt for a long time by your actions, I hope she'll forgive you one day, your love was something you don't see everyday. Most of all I hope she will understand what you did"

"I hope that too.. I should go, it was really nice to see you again, but I don't think I'm going to come back often, to respect you and her and because it hurts, but if you ever need anything please call me"

"We understand Brittany, we love you"

I hug them one last time and then I leave, I don't go home, I keep walking until I reach the school, here it's where all began, our love story, I walk to the football field and I sit on the bleachers, with my hand I touch the empty space next to me and I smile when I feel the engraving on it. On our senior year Santana and I engraved our names here, it seemed so romantic but then coach Sylvester caught us and put in detention. Coach made her run so long that day, Santana was so pissed that she almost murdered me, but then I kissed her and told her how sweet was what she did and she smiled, a huge smile before she kissed me again.

I walk home, I need to get away from there because I was start thinking of taking part of the bleacher away to have that memory with me, when I get home I see bags on the floor, lots of bags, I call for my mom but Quinn appears. She walks to me, I don't say anything because I'm sure whatever I say to her is gonna piss her, she stops in front of me, I see my mom on the kitchen's door and then she pushes me on the shoulders.

"This is for leaving Santana" She pushes me again "This is for leaving me" She pushes me "This is for leaving your mom" She pushes me again "This is for leaving Rachel" She pushes me again "And this is because I had the strength to not murder her while you weren't there" That made me almost smile "It's not funny Brittany" This time she hugs me and I hug her back.

"I'm sorry Quinn, really really sorry" She leans back still with her arms around me.

"Are you really sure about moving back here?" I nod, one last hug and she lean back.

"I have to leave New York and Santana behind me"

"It's not fair you know? I shouldn't let you do this"

"But you're gonna do it, because you love Santana and you know that having me there is gonna hurt her more and it's not gonna help neither of us" She stays quiet "What are all these bags?"

"Your things, since you're gonna stay here I thought to bring your stuff back"

"Thank you, but you shouldn't have"

"Well, half of it was packed by Rachel she said you are unable to pack correctly and the other half.. Santana did it, most of your things were at her house so"

"I'm sorry I left all of this to you two, I should have been the one who had to take care of these things.. Did she take her things from my room?" She nods.

"The day after, we helped her, there's only one thing missing, the engagement ring"

"It's not missing, it's hers and she can do whatever she wants with it"

"Britt that ring costed you a lot of money"

"It's fine"

"No it's not, anyway here there's yours" I look at her while she takes something from her pocket "I know, you didn't want it, but she wanted you to have a wedding ring so she brought you one, not too much showy she knows you hate it" I take the box and I open it, it's amazing, something I would wear it without problems. I really didn't think she would have brought me a ring, I told her I didn't want it, that I didn't want her to spend money, but she brought it anyway.

"It's really beautiful" I say putting it on my finger, she wides her eyes.

"What are you doing?"

"It's a ring"

"Nope, it's a wedding ring, from a wedding that didn't happen, from a girl you are not with anymore"

"Give me a hand with these bags"

We go upstairs and she helps me with all my stuff, I know I shouldn't wear it, I'm not married and I'm not with Santana, but I want to wear it, I want to see it on my finger, as it happened for real, I don't know why Santana still has hers, maybe she just throw it away, but I'm gonna keep mine tight.

* * *

 **I tried to put the ring links but it didn't work..**

 **Guys I need to know what to do with this story, I expected some more feedback, tell me something.. Would you like maybe some flashback of their story? I already wrote some other chapter , but I won't go on if you're not interested, it's a bit of a work for me, I told you I'm italian and not a writer so ..**

 **Just let me know**

 **-Deb**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hi, I wanna thank you for your reviews even if some of you don't like the story! It's ok to read everybody's opinion. Anyway I want you to know that I'm trying my best and when I asked you what I have to do with this story I just wanted to know if I should have went on or just for some tips as I suggested the flashbacks, I have this story wrote almost to the end so I already know where it is going.**

* * *

 **4 years later**

It's like no time past at all, or as an eternity did, it depends on what you think, if I think about the wedding it's like it happened yesterday, four years are like a blink of an eye, but if I think about Santana, about having her in my arms, about kissing her, talking to her, just touching her, it's like an infinity of years, it's like an entire life that slips away from you.

For a year I worked with Carl again, he was happy to hire me back, it was good because I did more hours so it was fine with money then I lived with my mom so. Quinn send me back all my things, she found a new roommate that obviously isn't amazing as me, in those bags I found a lot of things Santana wore but since they were mine she gave them back, I don't remember all the things I gave to her, but she returned most of them, I don't know if she kept something, but if she did she just kept few things.

In these years I always had my ring on, I don't really know why, but it was like a part of her was still with me. I just wanted to still feel her, even if it's just a ring. But I had to move it from my left hand to the right one because people always asked me questions about my marriage. Quinn keeps saying that I have to take it off, Rachel too, they agree on something just when it's something against me.

Rachel started her activities in Broadway not only as actress but also behind the stage, Quinn works in an art gallery, I think she wants to start painting herself, she fell in love with her work, like Rachel with Broadway. Santana is the owner of a restaurant, I don't know how it did happen, Quinn and Rachel told me that she started cooking a lot after the wedding, she worked in a restaurant and then with the help of her parents she opened one. They didn't say much about her, they don't want to make things complicated, they just told me that and that she saw some people in these years and I didn't ask more about it.

After the gym I started to get bored, I like it but it's not my passion or something that I can do for too long, so I started dancing again, and since then I dance all around the USA, I go where they need me and it's fine, it's so funny and an amazing experience. I even went to New York sometimes, I was extra careful, I stayed in the hotel with the other girls and I let Quinn and Rachel organize everything so Santana and I wouldn't have met when we saw each others.

Right now I'm in Los Angeles, I did three shows last week and I decided to stay for some day more, it was a really good choice, I have some time off, no other projects around, so holiday time!

"Hi" I move my sunglasses from my eyes to my head, I'm on my deckchair and I turn to this girl.

"Hello" I say, it's a beautiful girl.

"I'm Annie"

"Brittany" She smiles.

"My friends and I were wondering if you want to join us, we're drinking something and there's music"

"It's a party"

"Kinda, just have some fun on the beach"

"Ok"

We walk to her friends, she introduces me and then we start talking, drinking and dancing, I'm having fun, I love summer people. I can see what Annie is doing, I see her looking at me, when she dances with me she tries to provoke me, she touches me lightly, she's making a move on me. It's been 4 years and I'm still not ready, yes I had some hook up, but nothing more, I can't even think about seeing another girl, I loved one and I still love that one, I don't think it's ever gonna change.

"Come on Brittany let's go" She takes my hand and we walk in the water, we stop when the water reaches our shoulders "It's so beautiful here.. Where are you from?"

"Ohio"

"Wow, what are you doing here?" She gets close.

"Working, I'm a dancer"

"Interesting" She puts her hands behind my neck.

"What do you do?"

"I'm studying law"

"Stressful" I say and she leans her body on mine, I put my hands on her hips.

"Yeah, that's why I love summer.. I can relax" She says and then she kisses me "We should go"

She brings me to her house and we end up doing a lot of sex, she wears me out so much that I fall asleep right after.

The sound of my phone wakes me, I turn and Annie is sleeping on her side under the sheet I take my phone that's on the floor inside my shorts and I answer.

"Where were you? I tried to call you thousand times!"

"I was sleeping"

"It's around 9 there Britt, how can you still sleep?" I start dressing back.

"Normal people on vacation sleep until they want Rachel"

"Anyway, I have huge news, amazing news"

"Who you're talking to?" Annie asks turning to me.

"Who's that?" Rachel asks on the phone.

"I'm gonna call you back Rach"

"But I-" I hung up.

"Sorry I didn't want to wake you up"

"Where are you going?" She sits up.

"I have to pack my things back"

"I had fun last night"

"Me too"

"Do you want something for breakfast"

"No it's ok, I really have to go"

"You always run away the morning after?"

"Yes it's my thing"

"Ok.. It was nice meeting you"

"You too Annie, bye"

I walk away, I don't feel guilty, I didn't even want to stay the night, just sex, once outside the building I call Rachel.

"Soo do you wanna tell me who you were with last night?"

"No one"

"Are you gonna see her again?"

"Nope"

"Britt" She says sadly.

"Please don't start, why did you call?"

"Ok, I have an amazing news, AMAZING" She says singing.

"Do you wanna tell me?!"

"I was in a meeting last night, all of the important people in Broadway were there, we were talking about the next project, the next shows and everything we needed to discuss and guess what? They started talking about the dancers, there're gonna be a lot of dance shows and musicals and guess what again? They need a new choreographer, someone good and I made you name, we watched some of your show and they loved you-"

"Rach, Rach stop"

"They want to meet you" I close my eyes.

"Rach I can't work there"

"Brittany I know you don't wanna come back to New York, but this is a huge possibility, you can't say no, I supported you in everything, but I swear to God that if you don't come here for this job I'm not gonna talk to you ever again. This was your dream Britt, being a choreographer"

"And what does Santana think about it?"

"I don't care what she thinks Britt, it's your life Britt and it's been 4 years, you can't live your life based on what she wants, you already moved away from here and barely come here to see us"

"I know it's just.. What did she say? You told her right?"

"Yes I told her, but only because I'm her friend too and she needed to know, she said she doesn't care. Are you gonna fly here right?"

"I don't know Rachel, I have to think about it"

"Britt it's a chance that won't come back a second time, the next meeting is in two days"

"Ok, I'll call you soon"

Not even half an hour later my mom calls, sometimes I hate Rachel so much! Obviously she shouts on me how can I even think about it, I should have said yes immediately, but living in New York again it means that I could meet Santana. She would know I'm there and it would hurt her and it'd hurt me too, distance helped, if we'd meet we'd fight, we'd shout to each other, we'd cry and nothing, it would just hurt more. So yeah I need to think about it, I know it was my dream, it's still my dream and obviously it can only come true in New York.. I just need a moment.

Time is not something my family can give me, that night Quinn calls me and shouts at me too.

* * *

I'm not doing it because they want me to do it, but because I want that job, so here I'm, on a plane to New York.

Quinn said I could stay at her house, but I'd not feel comfortable, I'm gonna book an hotel room, after the meeting I'm gonna see if I have to find a place to stay or not. I called Rachel before the plane's take off and she was so happy that she booked an hotel room for me, she's gonna take me at the airport and she organized the meeting with her colleagues.

The meeting went good, what am I saying? It went amazingly, I have the job, I'm officially a choreographer, so now we're celebrating in a club, Quinn is here too and then some friend of Rachel.

"I can't believe you're gonna work with her" Quinn says.

"Ehy" Rachel pushes lightly her shoulder.

"Guys I want to toast on us, together again, successful with their job and in New York" I say, I have to be honest, I drank some more that one drink, but I'm happy.

"That girl is watching you" Quinn says and I turn to see who, it's a beautiful girl, brunette, short hair, jeans and a sleeveless shirt, but not interested.

"She can watch all she wants"

"Why don't you go dance with her?" Rachel says.

"I'm fine" I see them looking at each other "Girls I'm ok, I'm enjoying this day, please don't start, I don't wanna dance with that girl 'cause I missed you and I wanna stay with you"

"Then we're gonna dance right now" Quinn says taking our hands and taking us to the dance floor.

We leave the club at 3 am, my head is gonna hurt so much tomorrow morning, I have to go for house hunting with Quinn, thankfully she won't be joyful as Rachel, she says something about her morning routine that keeps her healthy or something. I'm going to stay here for sure now, yeah there's always the chance to be fired but I don't think it will happen, I like them and their projects and they like me too so there shouldn't be problems.

 **A week after**

I was lucky to find a modern flat near work and not too far from the girls, it's a bit huge for just me but it didn't cost much seeing the place, I brought it, I saved all the money I earned and I'm gonna have a more than good salary now so I said why not?

The job it's amazing, I know it's just a week but I love it, I'm dancing so much and I love the guys I'm working with, they're so fun, I'm so happy that I didn't let this chance go. Now after my first week I decide to go out a bit, without Rachel and Quinn, I wanna feel like the first time I came here, I wanna feel new, I wanna go around, go dancing, see new people or I don't know, I wanna just be around here again and feel alive. I enter a restaurant I never saw before and I sit where the waiter says, everything in this menu sounds amazing, but I don't know..

"May I ask your order?"

"Well, can you ask the chef to make something for me? Something.. Mmh.. Tell him to surprise me"

"Oh, of course and to drink?"

"Water would be fine"

He brings me the water and then goes away, I look around it's a cute place, not too big but not small, elegant but not snob, a classic good restaurant. After a while the waiter comes back with my plate, pasta and a glass of red wine.

"I didn't order this"

"The chef says it's perfect to accompany your plate"

"Thank you"

I start eating and it's amazing, as an orgasm in my mouth, well almost, very very good and wine was really a good choice. I ate all of it and I'm really satisfied, I finish to drink the wine and put the glass on the table and everything seems to stop, everything becomes blurred but what you're looking at, your mind is blank, you're thinking about nothing, everything is so slow and at the same time fast. My body and my brain realized what was happening before me, I see the waiter pointing his menu towards me and then someone from the corner joins him, but not just some casual person, Santana, wearing a white chef suits. Everything hits me so hard, she looks at me and widen her eyes, I almost dropped the glass, she turns and walks away, I jump and follow her, I run behind her.

It's weird because I always thought that if I would ever saw her again I would have run on the opposite side and it's not what I'm doing right now, but it's probably because with all the restaurant in New York I ended in hers. She locked herself behind the kitchen doors, but I can see her head from the little window on it, I tried to open the door once but didn't force it.

"Santana"

"Go away"

"Santana I- I didn't know this was your restaurant"

"Now you know it, leave and don't come back"

"I'm sorry" I look at her head through the small window "Your plate.. Your plate was amazing"

"What's happening here?" I turn and a boy runs to us "San are you ok? Why are you locked? Why is she locked?"

"She's ok"

"Who the hell are you?"

"First of all stop shouting" I say.

"I came here and the waiter said my girlfriend locked herself here and you followed her, so I'm a bit confused, who are you?"

"Your girlfriend?" I mumble.

"Who are you?" He says pushing my shoulder, not too hard, I think he only wants my attention.

"Touch me again and I break your hand" I say seriously, who does he think he is? He doesn't want the old Brittany to come back on him!

"You a-"

"Peter stop" Santana says, but she doesn't turn, I look at him and then I go take my things, I pay and I leave not looking back.

I walk home, I'm not in the mood to dance or do anything anymore, I stop into a store and buy a bottle of vodka. It was a good day, I felt happy, I felt like I was gonna start to be happy again, and then obviously I had to go to her restaurant! Once at home I start drinking, drink to forget, drink to not thinking, I turn on the radio and start dancing with bottle in my hand, drink to not understand, drink to feel numb.

* * *

Knocks on my door wake me, loud knocks, God my head hurts so much, I open the door and Rachel enters, this isn't gonna help my head. She never helps my head.

"Do you wanna tell me what happened yesterday?"

"Well I didn't call you so Santana must have told you"

"She just cried and said your name, so here I'm"

"I saw her yesterday, I wanted to eat something outside"

"I can't believe it.. you went to her restaurant"

"I didn't do it on purpose, I didn't know it was hers, she saw me and run and I followed her, I said I was sorry and she told me to leave, then Peter came"

"You met Peter"

"Yes, adorable I have to say, anyway that happened and then I left, nothing else"

"You obviously drank last night, it's dangerous Britt, something could have happened to you and you don't need to drink"

"Rach do you know how many fucking restaurant are in New York? Or just down the street I was? And with all of them I ended on hers.. So yes I need it and I'm a grown up woman"

"Not when Santana comes up"

"You and Quinn kept repeating I have to leave her behind me, that I have to move on and I'm trying, I'm working in New York Rachel, do you know how hard it is? My best friends are hers too, our families live in the same town, do you know how scared am I on holidays because I could meet her? But I'm trying and yesterday I met her, it did hurt, it still hurts.. And you have to stop babying me when Santana comes up"

"Ok"

"Just ok? You don't have anything else to say?!"

"No, you told what it had to be told and I'm sorry, you're right, we shouldn't babying you"

"I love you.. What did she tell you?"

"Nothing, she cried, she said your name and then Peter came and they start fighting" She says with an annoyed tone.

"Don't you like him?"

"It's not that, he's good, but they always fight, Santana is almost exasperated.. We shouldn't talk about this"

"Right, coffee?"

 **Santana POV**

This morning I wake up and I don't wanna get up from the bed, it's one of those days, it's so warm and comfy and I feel exhausted, yesterday I cried all night and Peter didn't help a bit. I left the chance to meet her behind me long time ago, even when Rachel told me she was gonna move here again, I never thought I could really see her again, it's New York! I felt so lost, seeing her again made me feel a lot of things, most of all anger, yeah I'm still so angry, she was there in my restaurant and I didn't know what to do so I just run away. And then Peter, why did he have to come? We fought so bad yesterday night, I didn't tell him about Brittany, I just told him I was in a long relationship that ended bad, nothing more. He asked me so many questions about Brittany not knowing who she really was and I didn't know how to answer and I didn't, practically right now I don't know where we stand. I walk into the kitchen and I hear Rachel enter from the front door, she joins me and we sit around the table and I start drink my coffee.

"Where you at her house?"

"Yes, how was your night?"

"Not only I saw my ex girlfriend who left me at the altar but I fought with my boyfriend too, one of the two could have been enough don't you think?"

"Maybe I should have told her your restaurant name"

"I think that before or then we were gonna meet anyway, well no, I always thought I was never gonna see her again, but then thinking about it again, it would have happened anyway, just not now, maybe in 20 years or so"

"20 years, really?"

"Yeah we would have met, we would shout and then she'd tell me how much she still loves me and I'd tell her that I'm happy with someone else, that she made an huge mistake when she left me and that she let the best thing that ever happened to her go, or something like that"

"Wow and you didn't think about it! You didn't tell her those things yesterday"

"Nope, I said nothing"

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"No, and even if, I wouldn't know what to say, Brittany was the love of my life, I was gonna marry her Rachel, my feelings for her are so weird"

"Is it possible that you miss her? That you still love her?"

"I don't know, what I know it's that I'm really mad at her and that I don't wanna see her, so the other feelings don't matter" And with that I ended our chat.

I worked really hard to be where I'm today, when Brittany left me I was useless, I tried to go out but I never was really outside, after some month I started to get better, meanwhile I started cooking, it's not something I wanted to do, it just relaxed me. So school and food, that was practically the first year after the wedding and thankfully I took my degree without problems. My passion for cooking grown so much that I searched for a job as a chef or as assistant, I worked for two years in a restaurant and I learned so much more and they were amazing with me. After I have learned enough to be on my own I wanted more so I talked with my parents and with their help I opened my own restaurant, "RedRoses" and the first year went good, a bit hard at the beginning but everything went fine.

About my social life I gradually started go out more and looking around, I went out with some girl and some boy, but it never became something more, then one year and half ago I met Peter, we started getting to know each other slowly and then we started dating. He's an amazing guy, he treats me good and he's really a good boy, it was weird at the beginning to date someone, really dating someone not just some hook up, with time I stopped thinking comparing this relationship with the one I had with Brittany, it was useless, so I enjoyed it. He knows I like girls, he knows I dated one, but I didn't tell him that my important long story was with a girl, maybe I was scared he wouldn't have dated me and now it's late.

Yesterday we fought so bad, he wanted to know what happened and who Brittany was, but I didn't want to tell him, I want to keep it for my self. I never talked to him about the problems I had in high school when I met Brittany, my insecurities and well, I haven't talked to him about my past that much and that's why we fight.

He always asks me things and I always try to not answer and not just about my past, also with my future, well our future, he always tries to talk about moving in together and about marriage and children eventually, and I really don't wanna talk about those things. I know we're 27, but I already lived with my partner, I almost got married and I already talked about children and everything went wrong.

So we keep fighting, I thought about breaking up, but I never did it, he just keeps trying to get our relationship right, to make me become what he wants, but I don't know if I'll ever be, for now I won't for sure.

And now Brittany is here.

 ** _Flashback Brittany POV_**

 _I'm in bed, today I don't work, I still think how amazing this is, I live in New York and I'm with Santana, well I don't live with her but still it's like we are. It's amazing how things went after high school I really thought her insecurities were going to break us but we made it, not everyone knows about our relationship, I don't have relatives, but she has and she's still scared to tell them. She told me her relatives are old minded and not even that close to her so she doesn't really want to tell them, she just want to tell her grandmother, she spent lots of time with her and that's the problem, she knows her grandma doesn't like gay people._

 _She told me that she's like Russel Fabray a bit, not aggressive like him, but her mind is old classic, a woman has to be with a man and he has to take care of her, I understand it, but I don't like it. She loves Santana, why should she stop now tha she's gay? Love is love right? But I don't wanna force her, if she wants to wait I'm gonna wait even if I know she hates to hide this to her._

 _I talked to her parents and they said the same things, they tried to talk to her but her point of view it's the same, Santana has to find a good man that can take care to her. I don't know what it's gonna happen, for now we're waiting._

 _I go take her to school, I like when I see her all happy after classes, she likes to study so much, she's so weird, I park my bike outside, now that she saw how can we escape traffic with it she loves it! When she exits the building she comes straight to me and kisses me, I drive to the park, it's a good day and I don't wanna go home yet._

 _I put her bag on my shoulders and we walk hand to hand looking around, parks here are so huge. Once we find a good spot we sit on the grass and I go take something to eat, I like doing these kind of things with her, it makes me think about our future, how much I love her, how much I'm happy with her._

 _"How was today?" I ask._

 _"Amazing, I had a test and I think I killed on it!"_  
 _"My nerdy girl!"_

 _"Your nerdy sexy girl you mean"_

 _"Obviously, my mom called yesterday after you left"_

 _"What did she say?"_

 _"She wants us to come back for her birthday, she's making a party with some of her friends and your parents are gonna be there too"_

 _"Yeah why not, I miss them so much, can you take some day from work?"_

 _"I already asked, I'm gonna work all next week so I can take the next one to go home" She nods "I was thinking, we have been here for a year now and things are good, what do you think about let me meet your grandma?"I can see her mind start burning "As your friend"_

 _"Britt I don't want that, I know you want her to meet her and to know we're together but I'm not ready, I'm gonna lose her"_

 _"Maybe you're not"_  
 _"You don't know her, she was even happy I was with Puck because she saw this goodlooking big man next to me even if he was stupid, but she thought he could have took care of me, so no, you're not gonna meet her"_

 _"Ok, do you want ice cream?"_

 _We spent the afternoon together and then I brought her home 'cause she has to study, but I think I just upset her and she wants to be alone and think. It didn't went good, I'm starting to think she's never gonna tell her, what it's gonna happen when things between us are gonna go foward? One day we're gonna move together, we're gonna marry eventually I don't know, but we're gonna be a family, what then? Is she gonna hide me from her grandmother until she dies?_

* * *

 **What are your thoughs? I'm always open for your suggestions and tips.**

 **I don't think as some of you said that the problem of this story it is the plot. I'm the problem, I think that the story as some possibilities, it's just that I'm not good enough to handle it. I'll try anyway..**

 **Please let me know you're here.**

 **-Deb**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hiii. I wanna thank you for your reviews, they really help me. I hope you're starting to see the problem in their relationship, I'm gonna write more flashback about their discussions.**

 ** _For the new readers if there're any, Judy is Quinn's mother and Jim is Brittany's father, as you're gonna read Brittany and Jim are not on good terms. Jim abandoned Britt and Susan after a car accident when she was 14, leaving Britt to take care of her mother alone._**

* * *

 **Santana's POV**

 **Three months later**

Some month ago Judy announced she was gonna getting married to Jim, it's a small ceremony and we're all invited, it would be the first time I go to a wedding and I'll see Brittany too. I couldn't say no because it's really important for Quinn, we're sister and I can't not be there, but Brittany will be there too, we're gonna be there at a wedding, it's stressing me out.

"San are you ok?" Peter asks and I nod "The plane is gonna land"

For a second I forgot that Peter is gonna be there too as if it wasn't already enough. He's gonna stay at my house, he already met my parents, but just a hand's shake and some causal chat, this is gonna be the first time they're gonna spend some time together. I turn to the other side, Rachel looks at me and she gets closer whispering in my hear.

"Maybe she's not gonna be there"

"She is, Quinn would kill her"

"You don't have to talk or anything, just try to avoid her, she won't come to you"

Once at home I let Peter know my parents better, we stayed home all day so they could bond, I know they like him, but I also know that no one can arrive at Brittany to them. What my dad and Brittany had was special, almost a father-daughter relationship and my mom really loves her, I know they talk sometimes, it bothers me a bit, but I let it go. Peter is gonna sleep in my room, no Brittany traces are left, I didn't have lots of her things here, just presents or things that we brought together, I put them in a box that's under the bed. Peter is gonna see her tomorrow and I'm already getting ready to fight again. It's inevitable but still I didn't told him.

 **Wedding day**

I have a long grey strapless dress and Peter has a classic black suit with a light blue shirt. We walk hand in hand toward the building, I'm already starting to feel nauseous, my parents are already inside, almost everyone is inside, just few people are outside and thankfully Rachel is one of them, we walk to her.

"Finally" She says.

"We're on time" Peter says.

"Everyone is here?" I ask with emphasis and she nods.

We start walking inside and when I see the inside I stop, flashbacks hit me, I keep looking and all I can see it's my wedding until Peter shakes me.

"Are you ok? You look pale"

"I-I'm fine"

We get closer to the altar and I see Brittany talking to my parents, she's there and I'm here too, I stop and look at them, now? I can't handle it, why did she have to become Quinn's friend? She shouldn't be here, I don't want to see her, here then.

"Isn't that the girl from the restaurant? That day remember?" Of course he would remember it.

"Yes, we went to the same high school" Meanwhile my mom sees me and I see her say something to Brittany and without turning she walks away "Why don't you go to my parents? I'll join you soon"

He walks away and I breathe, I see Susan and I go to her, I haven't see her in months, she sees me and hugs me immediately.

"I missed you so much"

"I missed you too Susan, I'm sorry I didn't call you e-"

"It's ok San, I understand and to be honest the only one who calls me often it's Quinn" She smiles.

"I didn't know you were coming, I thought since your past with Jim you could have not come"

"We did it for Quinn and a bit even for Judy, she really changed, how the restaurant is going?"

"Really good I love it, you should come when you're in New York"

"I will, oh it's starting we have to sit"

We walk to the benches, my parents and Peter are already sit on second row, Susan walks to the back, where is she going? I sit next to Peter and the ceremony starts, Quinn is in front of me. I still can't believe Judy is getting married and to Jim! She has her past and Jim, well, I don't like him for what he did to Brittany and Susan but they got better my parents and Quinn said, but still weird. How many chances were there for them to meet at the AA meetings and got together?!

"Why didn't you tell me you knew each other?" He just left me the time to sit before start questioning.

"Now that you know it changed something?"

"No but why hiding it?" He looks at me, but I keep looking in front of me.

Quinn turns and shush us.

"Why was she talking to your parents?"

"Because they know each other"

"Why t-" Quinn turns again.

"If I hear another word I'm gonna kill you, don't test me" She says.

Peter doesn't say anything else thankfully.. Where's Rachel? I lean forward and look around and she's sit with Susan and Brittany on the other side. They're not sit there for Jim obviously, but to leave some space between us. The ceremony goes on and I keep thinking on what plates I can change at the restaurant, I have to distract myself, but Peter thinks otherwise, he slides his hand on mine bringing me back to what's happening. I look at him for a second and then to the ceremony, where are we? They're about to say their "I do", I feel my throat closing, I'm not gonna cry, I'm not gonna cry, I try my best to not cry, to not let Peter see me like this.. I lean forward to look at Brittany, she's crying then she goes outside, I lean back to my sit and look forward try to stay calm. I'm so not gonna feel bad for her. After the ceremony we all go to the restaurant, we sit at our table, we're sit with my parents Rachel and Quinn's aunt, Brittany is sit on the other side with Susan, Quinn and some of her relatives.

"Are you ok baby?" My mom asks taking my hand and I nod.

"There's something I should know?" Peter asks and I shake my head "How come Quinn is not sit with us?" He asks looking around finding her with Brittany, why does he always have to question everything?

I really don't know how to answer him, why isn't she sit with us? Because her and Rachel switched so she could spend some time with Brittany and Susan too, 'cause Brittany and I can't be near. Yeah I'm telling him for sure! Why can't he just let it go?

"She wanted to spend some time with Susan and there wasn't space for all the people" Rachel says.

"Who's Susan?" I look at Rachel.

"The woman next to her" She doesn't say anything else and he doesn't ask more. I shouldn't have brought him, but I couldn't not bring him! We already fight for everything and he keeps saying that I don't tell him anything and that I don't do anything for him so I had to bring him, well most of all because he saw the invitation..

The rest of the dinner went good, he talked more with parents, he and Rachel aren't really friend, yes they talk, they always see each other at our house but it never become a friendship, Rachel knows all our problems, she's Brittany's best friend and I think Peter thinks she's weird and I can understand him, we all thought she was weird when we were in high school! He talks more to Quinn, I don't know why, she's weird too!

Both Rachel and Quinn know that we have problems and everything, it's just that Quinn tries to like him for me meanwhile Rachel doesn't want to even try. When we are outside we're always with his friends, they're fine but it was all different when I was with Brittany, we were always together, me her Quinn and Rachel, best friends all together, it was family, another story. Something catch my attention and not only mine, Jim is at Brittany's table, I see people look at them.

"I don't understand why can't you do some step toward me" He says to Brittany, he's not really shouting, but he's almost there.

"Jim please, it's your wedding day, enjoy it" Susan says standing up trying to get him away.

"I'm enjoying it and I would like my daughter to be happy for me" I can see Brittany trying to stay calm, she's looking down at her hands on her lap.

"Jim please" Quinn says too.

"No, she's just an hypocrite" He says a little louder, he's not drunk, there's not even alcohol here.

"Jim if you keep doing this we're going away, this is Judy's day" Susan says.

"How can you be still pissed at me? Still not talking to me? You're at my wedding and you're perfectly fine to talk with my wife and the others and you look at me like I'm a stranger, I got it before, but now? How can you tell me I'm not your father for what I've done when you did the same thing?" I see Brittany's eyes, I see anger in her, I see what it's gonna happen in my mind, all in a blink, without thinking I stand up and shout her name, I stop her, before she punches her father.

She was already up ready to hurt him, but my voice stops her, I can see her breath harshly, for the anger.. to not cry.. for my voice. She looks at me and I look at her, staring hard at each other, I don't understand what's behind those blue eyes, too many feelings are in there, Judy brings Jim away and everyone starts to sit again. Me and Brittany are still up, still looking at each other, I'm on the edge, I'm testing my body and I don't know how long I can resist before it gives up, but I can't stop looking at her.

I don't know what to think, it's not like I wanted to help her, or I didn't want to help her, it just happened.

Quinn takes her hand and Peter takes mine, it's time to join the world again, I feel all these feelings, I look around trying to not explode right here, I look at my dad and the first tear comes down, my mom holds my hand and I take my tear away from my face.

"I think we should talk about the things you haven't told me"

"When we're back in New york"

"Why?"

"Because now I don't want to" I stand up and walk outside to Quinn, I feel relieved when I see that Brittany isn't there, I sit next to her and she takes my hand.

"She left with Susan" She says "Thank you"

"I didn't know I was gonna do it"

"Well thank you anyway, I know it wasn't easy"

"Right then it was, I wasn't thinking about what happened between us, it was just me trying to stop a person I care about doing something she would regret, like nothing ever happened, now I have to face Peter, he wants to know" I roll my eyes.

"You knew it already, before or then it was gonna happen"

"How's your mom?"

"Pissed but happy that nothing happened, I can't believe he said that"

"I know it's not the same thing, even if it hurt really bad anyway, but if you put yourself in his shoes you could have thought that"

"Maybe but it really wasn't the time"

"That for sure"

"Ehy Quinn I have to go" Rachel says walking to us.

"Already" She nods.

"Susan needs a hand finding Brittany"

After an hour or so we all go home, Peter didn't say a word to me and my parents stay quiet too, I'm sure they are gonna call Susan once at home.

We leave Ohio with Quinn, Rachel already left with Brittany, when the plane landed Peter left without saying goodbye and I take a taxi with Quinn, maybe it would be good to take some time off.

 ** _Flashback Brittany POV_**

 _I'm pissed, Santana told me boys are trying to mark their territory around her, I trust Santana and I'm not worried, but the thought of them flirt around her is really disturbing! That and then I asked her if girls tried something too, it's New York I don't believe there aren't lesbians there, but she said no one did. When I told her it was weird since she's the most beautiful girl she said that she doesn't have a "gay sign" on her head so they don't know, I did agree with her obviously, but then I asked her how come no one knew, she must have told all that boys she has a girlfriend. Apparently she told them she's taken but she didn't specify by who, I'm not really mad 'cause I know she's reserved but I can be a bit pissed right?_

 _Now we're walking in the street hand in hand trying to find some good shop to buy something for Rachel's birthday, we enter in one clothes shop, I thing Rachel would like this shop. We look around and then I see a man and a woman looking at us, they have disgust in her eyes, I don't really care about people like that, but before I can say it to Santana I feel her hand leave mine. I look at her and she has seen them, I don't say anything, we keep shopping without looking as a couple, this hurts me a bit, is she ashamed?_

 _Sometimes it feels so, it's not the first time it happens, it's not like I want her to say to everyone that she's gay for first, but I would like to hold her hand whenever I want. Am I asking too much?_

 _I remember the first time we went public, it was at the prom, after she sang to me and asked me to be her date I was really nervous, what if someone tried to embarass her? Or worse.. I bought my white smoking and red tie with a huge smile on my face, the only thing I could think about was her. I went to her house with a bouquet of flowers, when Maribel opened the door Santana was already downstairs, I looked at her and she was so beautiful, her long red dress was tight on her, her body looked perfect, more than the other times. I saw things differently than usual, it was probably the consciousness that we were going to be together in public._

 _Thankfully that night went well, it started goood 'cause we went all together with Quinn and Rachel too, so it seemed as a friend date, but then we started to dance together, closely, people started to look at us, it was uncomfortable, seeing them talking about us, looking at us, Santana had a little panic attack but we managed to keep it in control. The night went on without problems, we had fun and Santana let herself go from that day on,yes people still looked at us the week after but no one dared to do something or talk funny, Santana was still a Cheerios._

 _So once at home from our shopping we sit on the couch and turn on the tv, she doesn't say anything so I try to ask._

 _"What happened at the shop today? We were fine and then everything become weird"_

 _"Nothing happened"_

 _"San please be honest, I saw that couple too"_

 _"Then why are you asking me?"_

 _"Are we coming back as we were at the beginning? Is it gonna be as high school?"_

 _"What are you talking about?"_

 _"Are we gonna hide again? Are you ashamed of us?"_

 _"No Britt, it's just that some people don't want to see_ us _" She says._

 _"So? It doesn't mean we can't do it, we weren't doing anything bad or outrageous, we were holding hands as everyone does, gay or not gay"_

 _"You know how I feel about people who don't understand"_

 _"I know and I understand it's not easy, but those people don't have anything to do with us, so why care?"_

 _"Please Britt I don't wanna talk about it, there's nothing to say, I just let your hand go, it's not the end of the world"_

 _"It's the meaning of it" I say._

 _After that we keep watching the tv without saying a word until Quinn comes back home._

* * *

 **I hope you are gonna hate less Britt, maybe just understand her a bit. Just to be clear I don't want you to start hating Santana, I just wanna show you that she still wasn't ready and that caused problem between them. No hate, just patience.**

 **What are your thoughts of this chapter? Keep me update!**

 **I'm just gonna tell you, you don't wanna miss next chapter..**

 **-Deb**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hello everyone! I wanna thank you all, who follow this story and who review me, thank you really :)**

 **I wanna specify that Santana dated girls too as I wrote in the previous chapter, she's testing her sexuality, it just happened she stayed with Peter. For now..!**

* * *

 **Santana's POV**

Some day later our return Peter calls me and asks to meet, I went to his house and we start talking, he started asking and I tried to saying the less possible but that only got him mad. He didn't understand why I wouldn't tell him about Brittany, he can't understand. Since we were starting shouting at each other I left, I walk home, I want silence and I don't wanna talk about anything, I open the door and walk toward the kitchen.

"I swear that if I stayed another minute I would have killed him, why didn't I listed to you and brok-" When I finally enter the kitchen I see that Rachel isn't alone, after a day like this obviously, Brittany is here, she looks at me for a second and then down, I keep staring at her, sitting in my kitchen.

"She brought me some work papers and you were at Peter's so I asked her to bring them here, I thought you were staying there" Rachel says.

"I was leaving anyway" Brittany says standing up and meanwhile someone rings at the door, Rachel goes open the door, she doesn't look at me, then I see it, how could I not see it.

"What the hell is that?" She looks up at me "WHY THE HELL DO YOU HAVE THAT RING ON?" Before she could say anything Rachel comes back clearing her throat, I turn and Peter is with her, perfect, just fucking perfect.

"I really have to go" Brittany says walking, but Peter stands in front of her, she looks up at him.

"I'm Peter nice to meet you, the first time we saw each other it wasn't a really good moment" They shake her hands but Brittany says nothing "Santana told me you all know each other, you went to school together right?" She looks at me.

"Sure"

"Why don't you tell me something about yourself? Santana is so secretive" He says mocking her.

"What's this? An interrogation? I'm not interested to know you and leave me out of whatever this is" She says leaving the house.

"Why was she here?" He asks.

"Well Peter this is my house and I really don't have to answer you, but if you really want to know, she's my best friend and you were really rude, I have to ask you to leave" Rachel says.

"What?" He says giggling, but Rachel stays serious "Really?"

"You have to go Peter" I say and he looks at me, right now my mind doesn't even see him, it's all black, all black but a little ring shining. What the fuck?!

"You keep lying to me and now you're kicking me out?"

"Peter I'm tired of this, I'm tired of your questions, why the hell do you want to know anyway? Why do you want to know who she is? There are things that I don't know about you and I'm not paranoid about it"

"I want to know things because I love you Santana"

"It's better if we take some time apart"

"Fucking perfect" He leaves slamming the door.

"It's the first time that she comes here, I was tired and I asked her to bring those documents here, you we-"

"Why does she wear that ring?"

"Oh.. Umh, I don't know, really"

I go to my room, all I can think about is that ring, it bothered me to see her here, but I know they didn't do it to hurt me, but that ring.. I know I still have mine, but I don't wear it, it's in its little box in my closet and I haven't open it in a long time, I kept it because, I don't know why, when she gave it to me I fell in love with it and I fell in love with her even more, I don't know..

It reminds me how we loved each other, the good things and yeah the bad ones too, but in the end that ring meant what we wanted, to be together forever. Saying that and seeing how things went I know I should have throw it away or gave it back to her, but I didn't.

She left me, she didn't come to our wedding so why? Why does she wear it?

I thought about it all night, I didn't eat anything, my stomach is up side down and so is my mind, why? Why? Why?

I look at the time and it's 3:26 am and I'm wide awake, I go into the kitchen and I eat a yogurt, when I sit I see the documents Brittany brought here, I take them and I look around, I only stop when I see her address wrote on a paper..

The next thing I know is that I'm in front of her door, I don't know what I was thinking, I wasn't, but it's what I did, I came here and I'm gonna knock on this door. After some knock I realize that it's almost 4am, she's probably sleeping, she can't hear me.. So I ring and ring until I hear her on the other side.

"What the hell is hap-" She opens the door and sees me "Sa-Santana"

I enter not waiting her to say come in and she closes the door, she stays there, I turn and look at her hand, the ring is still there. She didn't fucking think about take it off?

"Why do you have that ring on?"

"Santana"

"Answer me" Anger is getting me.

"Why do you wanna know? It's not gonna change anything, it's only going to get you madder, you already are look at you"

"Answer me"

"No"

"Brittany answer me" She shakes her head "ANSWER ME" I shout.

"I said no"

"TELL ME WHY, tell me why, tell me why" I keep repeating while I start hitting her on her chest with my fists and I start crying, I don't know if I'm asking her about the ring or about everything else anymore.

"BECAUSE I LOVE YOU" That make me stop, my fists stay still on her chest and I look at her "There's no a day I love you less, there's no a day I don't miss you, there's no a day I don't think about you and there's no a day I wouldn't want to be married to you"

I slap her, right on her face, I look at her, both crying and speechless right not, what she said was.. I just slapped her and then.. I kiss her, fuck, I take her face with my hands and I kiss her hard.

She immediately picks me up from my thighs and slams me against the door hurting my back, I let out a whine mix to a moan loudly. We're not really kissing, we're fighting with our mouths, they're hungry, I feel my lips hurt, but there's no going back. She brings me in her bedroom, she walks with me in her hands and I hold on her shoulder, we don't even take our clothes off, only our shirts, we fall on her bed, her above me, we keep devouring each others mouth, I feel her hand unzipping my pants and enter my panties and I don't wait a second to do the same. We stop kissing only when our hands touch our cores, we breathe out heavily, her face falls next to my neck, fuck.

We start touching each other and we start moaning in each other ear, we start pounding hard into each other immediately, rubbing hard our bodies, the free hand gripping on the other's back. It's rough and animalistic.

Our breathes went to constant pants to loud moans, I never moaned so loud. We're lost and we're gripping to each other to find a way, I can feel the sweat on our bodies, the bed moving so much as it's gonna break, we were never so rough, our moans are becoming sharp, broken, louder, until we reach our orgasms. She lets her moan escape her mouth freely, as a shout, near my ear as I feel her nails scratching my shoulder while I shout too for my release, the pleasure, but I try to hide it, growling inside loudly as I bite her shoulder.

We breathe hard trying to calm down, we remove our hands from our pants, but we don't move, I can't believe we did this, I can feel her crying against my body, I put my hand on my forehead still trying to catch my breath, not knowing what to think, it was a mistake, then why it felt so good? I shouldn't even talk to her, then why I felt so alive?

What was it?

* * *

I wake up with a light headache, when I open my eyes I was scared for a second, I didn't know where I was, but just for a second, I'm sore everywhere, my lips are swell and I think they did bleed at some point, my shoulder hurts as hell as my arm, my body feels like I did a billion of abs and down there I'm sore as fuck.

I sit up and look around, a wardrobe, an armchair next to a little table, beside tables and some photos on the walls. Those photos are with Quinn and Rachel and a huge one with her mom, and then there's one on her bedside table, one of our photos, we were at the park playing something I don't remember, she was trying to take something from my hands hugging me from behind, we were laughing, I was screaming playfully and she was laughing. A beautiful picture.

I get up and put my shirt back on, my body feels like glass, a broken glass, little million peaces, I walk outside her room and silently I look around seeing if she's here.. She's not, I look back again once at the front door and then I leave. I walk home and I feel like Dorothy, in the wizard of oz, in which world am I right now? I don't know what to think.

I open my house's door and without looking around I go into my room and I lay down on my bed, face down on my pillow.

"Do you know how scared I was?" Rachel says on my room's door, I take a deep breathe "Where were you? You left your phone here and I couldn't reach you, Quinn and Peter didn't know where you were, you can't go around in the night alone upset, I even called Brittany!" She only got my attention with that, I turn fastly, regretting my choice immediately since my body it's broken.

"You called Brittany?"

"I was scared Santana.. What the hell happened to you?" She gets closer and looks at my face closely.

"Nothing I got drunk and I cried, same old things, I was in a bar"

"You stayed there until 10am?"

"Yes Rachel, until this morning" She leaves slamming the door, I hear her from the kitchen call Quinn and Brittany.

If things were complicated before, what are they now?

 **Brittany POV**

I'm gonna meet Rachel in 20 minutes and I'm nervous, she has a 6th sense and I don't want her to know it, this morning I woke up and for a second I was the happiest person alive, I opened my eyes and she was there next to me in my bed, sleeping. That was how it should have been.

Then I realized that fuck, she's sleeping in my bed, I get up and leave, we had sex, fuck, I laugh, we really had some sex! I can't move my left arm for the bite she gave me, there's a huge bruise, anyway what we did last night was, I don't know what we did, we wanted each other, but she was so angry, I was so confused, she slapped me, she kissed me and I let myself go.

I'm so confused, now it's even more complicated, well if I think about it we didn't talk, we don't hung out, we don't even see each other so what it's gonna change now? It's awkward yes but we avoided each other for four years it's not gonna change now. Maybe I just have to stop thinking about it, even if it's so hard to not think about last night, I missed her so much.

What the hell we did last night?

"Ehy Britt!" She snaps her fingers in front of my face.

"Sorry I didn't see you"

"What's happening with everyone?"

"Why?"

"Santana came home this morning telling me she was at a bar, at a bar Britt! Couldn't she find something better? I thought she was at Peter's place doing the same mistake again, but she really wasn't, she cried and her face was weird, she lied to me"

"Maybe she really was at a bar, I think that seeing me with the ring really upset her"

"Yeah.. Britt why do you wear it? I know you love her and everyone does too but you don't need a ring to know it or show it"

"I don't know why I wear it, it feels right to me"

"I brought the papers back, all signed and everything" She leans them to me and I take it, when I take them with my left hand my shoulder hurts as hell and my face shows it "What's wrong with you?"

"I slept wrong" She looks at me suspiciously.

After we got our papers right we go to work, it was hard because my shoulder hurt bad but I can't not work and then Rachel is so pissed today. After five hours we take a break and I eat something, I try to relax and lay down on the couch but I can't find a right position and then Rachel enters slamming the door.

"What now?"

"I'm pissed at Santana"

"Weren't you the one who said we shouldn't talk about her?" She looks at me.

"I called her and she told me she was at work and couldn't talk and guess where I was? At her restaurant to eat and she wasn't there" Fuck Santana what are you doing?

"Maybe she wants some time alone, she's fighting with her boyfriend right?"

"Yes but when they fight or break up she always talk to me or Quinn but she didn't and she lied to me and what are you her lawyer?!"

"The break is over, I have to go back"

"You're weird too" She shouts while I walk out the room.

After work I come back home, I look around and Santana didn't leave or moved anything, I go into the bathroom and take off my shirt, I look at the huge bruise on my shoulder, it is big as an hand and you can clearly see the bite mark on it, the mark is bloody, I cleaned it this morning but it seems I have to clean it again. She bit me sometimes during sex but nothing like this, I don't think she did it to hurt me, intentionally I mean, as I didn't scratched her to hurt her.

 _Flashback_

 _Things are getting weird, lately we fought often, we never really broke up, but we ended fighting bad face to face and one of us leaves the other, then after some day we meet again, it happened too ofter to my opinions and always for the same things, as the other times she keeps slipping away from me when people are around. I talked to her and she always say that people looks funny at us and I don't see where the problem is, I try to understand her, but I keep seeing this thing as a bad thing for us._

 _Now we're going out with some of her class mate, she told me they know about us so I'm starting to feel better, someone knows about us finally! We enter this club, I hold Santana hand firmly as she can't get it away and in a place like this I can't leave her hand and she's not helping at all, she's wearing the most black tight dress she has, it stops on her mid thigh, she's wearing hills and she has her hair tied, so sexy!_

 _She sees her friends and she waves to them, we walk there and I see two boys and four girls, they seem fine, we talk a bit and dance, we drink together, nothing weird until I see one of her friend, if I'm not wrong it's Jason dance with her. He's so fucking close, if he's not gay there's gonna be a problem! I ask the girl if he is but they say no and that he has a crush on Santana, ok, now I'm really angry, what the fuck is he doing? I'm fucking right here! He keeps dancing behind her rubbing on her, saying things on her ear.. I wave Santana to come here and she arrives, leaning on my front, she drinks my drink and I put my hand around her lower back._

 _"Honey isn't your friend a bit too friendly?"_

 _"What are you talking about?"_

 _"He's fucking glued on your ass and he has a crush on you"_

 _"Are you serious Britt?! I brought you to meet my friends and you wanna fight? He knows I'm dating you" I know that lately I snap on everything, but I'm so right about this, who wants to see some jerk rubbing himself on his girlfriend? I don't for sure!_

 _"Yeah but apparently he doesn't care"_

 _"Britt come on I wanna have fun, we're just dancing" I see Jason look at her._

 _"Can you please tell him to not rub is dick on your ass?"_

 _"I can't believe this" She's pissed and well, she's not the only one. Am I being so unreasonable?_

 _"Hey San I'm taking some drink, what do you want?" Jason says placing his hand on her naked shoulder._

 _"I'm coming with you" They walk to the bar, my eyes don't leave them for a second._

 _I look at them, I know I'm being rude to her other friends that are here since I'm avoiding them, but I just can't believe what I'm seeing, they's waiting for the drinks, Santana is on her side against the desk, Jason in front of her, they're talking, there's barely space between them. Their hips are almost touching, he keeps whispering things on her ear, touching her waist when he leans in, she laughs and answers back to him, am I seeing thing or he's flirting with her? I don't even need to know what they're saying, look at them!_

 _When they walk back Santana has two drink and he has one, the free hand is on Santana's back guiding her, but it's a bit too low for my taste. I stand up and take Santana's hand once she leaves the drinks on the table, we go to the dance floor and we dance together, we dance close, really close, the difference is that we can do it!_

 _"What are you doing?" She shouts on my ear, I see Jason looking at us, what a creep._

 _"Dancing?"_

 _"Come on Britt, I wanted to do something nice, I wanted to have fun, I wanted you to meet them and now you're doing this"_

 _"What am I doing?"_

 _"You know it, you made your point, I'm yours ok?" She says stopping and putting some space between us._

 _"So if I do this I'm wrong and if Jason does it it's ok?"_

 _"We were doing nothing!"_

 _"He was flirting with you, I saw you two at the bar, I'm right here Santana, is this why I haven't meet them before?"_

 _"What a wonderfull night!" She walks away and I follow her._

 _We go home not talking, I drive to her house slowly, I want to say something but I don't know what, I just met them and we're already fighting. I park outside her house and she turns to me, I see she's angry._

 _"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that, I didn't want to imply you were hiding me for some reason, but San, he was all over you"_

 _"We're really friends Britt, he got in my class and we study together, we're really good, he knows I'm gay and I'm not interested in him"_

 _"Ok" It's not like I can say something else, I don't wanna start another fight, we're already upset , I trust her so I don't have to worry, but I don't like it._

 _I don't like Jason and the way he acts, does he not have respect for our relationship? Or just for me? I was there but it didn't touch him a bit, he just did wahatever he want anyway. I just met him and I already hate him, I really don't wanna know how he acts when they're alone. I trust Santana and I love her so I'm gonna let it go.._

 _I'm not one of those girl that say "you can't see him", I'm not even unsure about our relationship, we love eachother so much, we're good together, we trust eachother, it's just that sometimes it feels like she's uncomfortable next to me. Tonight it was like she wanted to be seen next to him, she was comfortable with him, I felt left apart._

* * *

 **Sooo? Your thoughts?**

 **I can't wait to read what you think, about Jason and about what happened.**

 **-Deb**


	6. Chapter 6

**The next morning**

I go to work early today we have a lot of practices, my shoulder is hurting, maybe even more than yesterday, I cleaned the wound before work, right now it's bothering me because it feels like it's pulsing, I'm concerned, but maybe it's because I'm working on it. Almost at the end of practice the girls stop doing their routine and all of them look at me, my shirt was dirty of blood, not too much, the bite was bleeding a bit again. They call the nurse, we have one, and Rachel, I told them to not do it, but Rachel talked them to death about how much she cares about me, we go into the infirmary and I was asked to take my shirt off and I look at Rachel.

"Maybe it's better if you wait outside" The nurse says to Rachel understanding that I'm not comfortable about it.

"Do you really want to hide something to me Britt? Are you sick?" When I see she was really getting worried I take my shirt off, I don't want her to get worry for something silly as a bite. When they sees my shoulder they gasps "What the hell is that?" They get closer and I look up.

"It seems a bite" Says the nurse.

"And who the hell would d- OH,MY,GOD I can't believe it" Rachel sits on the chair.

"It's a bit infected, whoever did this it opened your skin" The nurse says while touching my shoulder.

"You lied to me too" Rachel says not considering the nurse.

"I didn't lie, I just didn't tell you"

"Brittany please, you lied"

"What should I have told you? Ehy Rachel last night Santana came to my flat and we had sex?" The nurse looks at me and I do a fake smile.

"Yes?!"

"Stay here, I'm gonna take what you need" The nurse leaves the room, we barely noticed.

"How did it happen?" I tell her everything, well after I told her we had sex there's no much more to say, it's not like we talked or anything and for sure I'm not gonna tell her how we had sex! "And now?"

"And now nothing Rach, nothing changed, we didn't say anything and I left for first the next morning"

"But you had sex, it has to mean something"

"It doesn't, she was angry, she was for years, it was emotional and unreal, what we did was, I don't know what it was, it's not gonna change anything"

"But you would like it"

"Rachel I love her, but I made my decisions knowing the consequences, nothing is gonna change and nothing else is gonna happen"

The nurse come back with a cream to put on it and some pills I have to take, she ordered me to not work on it for two days to be sure. Rachel come home with me, she still has something to say but I already knew it, we sit on the couch and she helps me with cream.

"Why did you have sex with her?"

"I don't know Rach, it's not like I could think straight in that moment, I missed her so much and feeling her like that again made me come back in time"

"So she stayed here?"

"Yes we fell asleep"

"Are you going to talk about it?"

"No, we haven't talk about the wedding, why would we talk about this?"

"Maybe you should talk about everything,"

"For what? She doesn't want to see me"

"Maybe she does, you had sex!"

"She made a mistake"

"Yeah and you let her, if someone doesn't really want to see you he doesn't, you don't see your dad because you really don't want to see him"

"Yes but I came back to New York Rachel, we have the same best friends and we don't leave far, we didn't see each other for four years when I wasn't here"

"Distance helps I can agree with you and I agree that coming here and having us in common didn't help, but you don't have sex with someone you don't want to see. I'm just saying you should try to talk, maybe what happened it was just a weird way to get near you, I don't know, unconsciously, but maybe it is"

"Rach what we did it wasn't love, it was angry and furious, she did slap me before it, she doesn't want to get near me and I don't know if I can get near her again, I don't know what she thinks now, I don't know if the reasons 'cause I left her still stands or not"

"Ok.. I understand, but maybe she misses you as one of her best friends"

We eat something and then she leaves, she confused me with all that talk, I miss her, I miss her as girlfriend and as friend and now she made me think and I don't know, should I ask Santana to talk?

 **Santana's POV**

Yesterday night I broke up with Peter, not for Brittany obviously, but for every fight we had, out story was a roller coaster, I can't blame him, it was my fault, what he wanted was right. He wanted to move forward in our relationship, in the last months he asked me to move in with him and I always said no, we talked about a possible marriage in the future and I wasn't positive about it, marriage is a thing that I can't even think about now, what he asked me was right, it just wasn't for me. We were on and off lots of time, but now I cheated on him, I had to end it for good this time, I should have done it before. He was so mad, we never fought so bad, I mean he was still thinking about moving together and I broke up with him, I can understand and I feel bad about it, I care about him, but I'm not ready to settle, and not with him. He asked me if it was about this thing with Brittany, since she came around I was weird and I lied to him, but it's not her that threatened our relationship, it was me, it was always me. I came home and Rachel was on the couch watching a movie, I sit next to her and I take some of her blanket.

"Ehy go take yours!" She says.

"I broke up with Peter, for good now" She puts mute on the tv and she turns to me.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"I'm fine, a bit sad but you know it couldn't go on"

"I know, but what made you do it? You tried so many times and then end up again with him"

"I cheated on him" She looks at me but I can't see surprise in her.

"I know" What? I widen my eyes "She lied to me too, she didn't want to tell me but she had a problem with her shoulder" What does it mean? "She.. When you bit her, umh, you bit too hard so"

"Oh my God" I lean my head back on the couch closing my eyes.

"What are you thinking?"

"I don't know, I don't know what to think, my head isn't here" I start crying.

"Honey, what do you think if we call Quinn and we have a sleepover?" I nod, meanwhile she calls Quinn I fall asleep.

When I wake up Quinn is already here, they are in the kitchen and eating pizza, I kiss Quinn's cheek and I sit with them.

"Good morning sleepyhead, eat something" Quinn says.

"Did Rachel already tell you?"

"That you almost teared Brittany's arm out? Yeah she told me"

"Rachel!"

"I didn't tell her that!"

"What are you gonna do now?" Quinn asks.

"What do you mean?"

"With Brittany"

"Absolutely nothing, what should I do?"

"You had sex San it has to mean something" Quinn says and Rachel stays quiet.

"It meant nothing, it was a mistake.. What did she tell you?" I ask Rachel.

"Oh no, I'm not gonna tell you anything, just as I won't say anything you say here to her"

"Just because we had sex it doesn't mean I'm not angry at her anymore"

 **A month later**

 **Brittany POV**

Things at work are going great, my shoulder healed fine, I just have a little line as a scar, but it's almost invisible. I didn't see or hear Santana, not even Quinn and Rachel said anything about her, it was better this way. Now I'm at a club with Rachel and some dancers, we're celebrating the upcoming show, we needed some time off and some drink.

"Britt I think that girl is trying to get your attention" She points to her and I see a really beautiful girl, brunette, long hair in a high tail, green eyes, maybe a dancer too seeing her body.

"I think I'm gonna buy her a drink"

"See you later then"

I walk to the bar, I sit next to her and I show her my best smile, I call the barman and order two of what she ordered, she smiles to me and we drink.

"Fuck! What the hell are we drinking?!" I cough and she laughs hard.

"I don't know, I asked for the strongest drink, I needed some liquid courage to talk to this beautiful girl" She smiles to me, for a second I didn't get it but then, that drink was really strong!

"You don't need it"

We talk a bit, her name is Carly, she works in a gym, she likes sports, she goes often to theater and she reads a lot. After our little chat we go to dance and she really can dance, she's really sexy, it's difficult to take my hands for my self, when things are starting to get a bit too much we decide to leave. We take a taxi and we go to my house, it's weird because I always go to their house so it's easier to get away, this time I don't know why I'm taking her to my house, she's funny and easy to talk to, I don't know maybe I feel like something has to change. Maybe I'm tired of how things are going.

The morning after

I wake up slowly and I see Carly sleep next to me, she's on her side facing me with her arm on my tummy, I slowly look away.

 _Fights, fights, fights. That's all we do lately, we keep fighting and I'm tired, so tired, we're not good, I can't keep trying to not loose patience. I'm so tired of this, I'm at home hoping she'll come back, that this stupid broke up is over, that she'll choose to come home to me instead of being out with her friends, well that's not the problem, being out with him it's the problem. Jason is the fucking problem._

 _Him flirting with my girlfriend, him going out with her, him being all friendly with her, him being always with her, he his my problem and Santana sees nothing._

 _I take my keys and I go out, if I stay at home another minute I go crazy, I park outside a disco and enter, I'm going to let all go. I take a drink and I start dancing alone, I need to distract myself, I need something different from our fights, I just need to feel something different from sadness. After two more drink I'm all about music, nothing else, dancing hard on the floor, then a girl starts dancing facing me, she wants me, she gets closer and closer until we're dancing together. After some dance things are getting out of hands, we're close, like she's rubbing herself into me and I'm letting her, at some point I feel her lips on mine, I kiss her back, but after some second I lean back and walk away._

 _I drive home but I don't enter, I stay outside sit on a bench, how could I have kissed someone else? I know we're on break, but it doesn't matter, I cheated. I stay there crying for awhile when I look up I see the sky getting brighter, it's 5.57 am, I stand up and enter home. I close the door and walk to my room, I wanna forget everything._

 _"Where were you?" I didn't even notice the light on in the kitchen, I walk there and Santana is sit near the table, a cup of coffee on it, her eyes are tired._

 _"I was out"_

 _"You told me you were home"_

 _"I was, then I changed my mind"_

 _"Where did you go?"_

 _"You didn't ask it when we were together why ask now?"_

 _"Where the hell were you Brittany? It's 6 am!" It's not a talk anymore, voices are getting higher, another fight._

 _"Fuck you Santana, where the hell were you? Where the hell were you in the last months? Where were you tonight? Were you with Jason?"_

 _"Brittany we-"_

 _"We broke up right? You told me you need a break, that we need space and time to figure out what's going on between us, these were your words Santana so don't come here and act like this. I'm tired, so tired, I don't know what to do, I don't know what I feel anymore"_

 _"I'm tired too Brittany, I know you don't like Jason, but we're just friends"_

 _"Santana please I don't wanna talk about Jason tonight"_

 _"How can we solve this if you don't wanna talk?"_

 _"We talked about it for I don't know how long Santana, I told you he wants you, he doesn't even try to pretend he doesn't and you don't believe me"_

 _"We're friends, we're in the same classes so we study together, nothing else"_

 _"You go out almost every night, he brought you out for dinners for god's sake Santana! And you're always alone, doesn't he have friends?"_

 _"I can have friends Brittany, I don't want you to tell me who I can see or not"_

 _"I would never and you know it, but you're practically having an affair with him Santana, how can't you see it? He flirts with you all the time even in front of me and our friend, since the first time we met, he didn't care. Since you two got closer our relationship got bad, now we're on break"_

 _"Because you don't wanna talk about it, you get mad immediately"_

 _"We talked about this for months, I'm tired to talk about you and Jason, there shouldn't even be an 'you and Jason', you keep bring him up between us and all I want is you to not want to talk about him, all I want is you to let him go, all I want is you to want me, all I want is you" I'm shouting and crying "I hate this, I feel confused, you just keep getting away from me and I don't know what to do, more I try to fix this more I get things wrong, so tell me what to do, because I feel lost" Before she can answer I talk again "I kissed a girl tonight" I see her widen her eyes and then she stands up, I see the cup she had in her hand fly towards me, I see it crash on the wall next me._

 _"You have some fucking courage, talking about me and Jason that way and then tell me you kissed a girl" She shouts as loud as she can "How could you? All of this and you cheated on me? Was this all a plan so you could go fucking around?"_

 _"Don't be stupid. How do you think I feel? YOU MADE THIS"_

 _"HOW YOU KISSING ANOTHER GIRL IT'S MY FAULT?"_

 _"'Cause you're destroying me" I shout back. She looks at me angry with red eyes, the door bell interrupts our glance, I go open the door and it's a neighbor that was concerned from the noises, once closed the door I walk back into the kitchen, she's still there, looking down on the floor. I take the broom and I clean the floor, she sits again but says nothing, I make other coffee, I put her cup on the table in front of her and I sit on the other side with mine._

 _We stay here in silence, she's crying, I'm not, but I'm about to, how things got here? It's really the end? I hear the door open, Quinn came back, she enters the kitchen and take a cup of coffee, she doesn't notice what's really happening._

 _"No more sleepover with Rachel, she turns in a fighter when she sleeps!" None of us say anything, I look up at Quinn and she looks at me understanding immediately that something's wrong "What happened? San?"_

 _"Can we stay alone pl-" I start._

 _"Brittany kissed someone tonight" Santana says._

 _"You what?" Quinn turns to me, Santana stands up and walk into my room leaving us "What happened Britt?"_

 _"I don't know Quinn, I don't know where we stand anymore"_

 _"So you kissed someone else?"_

 _"It's not like I searched for it, she kissed me and I kissed back for like two seconds, but then I stopped. Can you please give us some space?"_

 _"I'm gonna take some things and leave, but you better fix it"_

 _"I'll call you later"_

 _I walk to my room, the door is closed, did she lock herself in? Should I leave her alone? I open the door slowly, she's laying on my bed, on her side, I close the door and sit near her, I take her hand and I start crying._

 _"I'm sorry" I say, she keeps crying "Believe me I didn't do it to hurt you or because I wanted to kiss someone else, it happened, but how you're feeling now it's how I'm feeling too because of Jason. Now I feel worse than before 'cause I really didn't want to make you feel like that and I didn't want to cheat, believe me I didn't do it on purpose" She stays quiet "I feel, I don't know, I feel as you're forgetting about me, as you are ok with him, comfortable with him and I'm the stranger one in here" Still silent "I don't know what will happen now, I don't know what you're thinking, I'm just sorry, I love you San and I really want to fix our relationship" She sits and sniffs, she takes some tears away with her hand caressing her cheek._

 _She looks at me and she pecks my lips and bursts in tears again. I hug her, I hug her tight and we lay down, I take the blanket and cover us, we cry until we fall asleep._

"Brittany are you ok?" Carly asks taking me to reality.

"Umh? Yeah, yeah, good morning"

"Morning, where's the bathroom?"

"First door on the right"

"Thanks" She pecks my cheek and stands up, she doesn't put anything on and goes to the bathroom.

When I woke up that day Santana wasn't in the bed anymore, it was an horrible day, but then the night she called me, we talked a bit, trying to not fight, we kept staying split for some other week, we kept fighting, I almost fought with Jason, I almost hit him once but I managed to stay in control. Anyway we came back together, she forgave me and I forgave her, but I have to say that what helped the most it was that she stopped talking to Jason. Things between them where getting weird, she told me that he didn't want her to talk to me, that she shouldn't forgave me, things like that so they starts fighting too and she didn't want to waste time with him and when he told her he was really interested in her she ended their friendship. It wasn't easy to start again, but thankfully everything came back as it was.

"Brittany are you deaf?" Rachel snaps her fingers in front of my face.

"Rachel?" I widen my eyes "What are you doing here?"

"You didn't answer your phone, nor your door and your car and bike are here so"

"I gave you the keys for emergencies not to walk in every time you want"

"Yeah anyway wha-"

"Who you're talking with?" Carly asks coming back, she sees Rachel and cover herself with her hands, I take Rachel's arm and pull her until she's face down on the bed.

"Oh God Britt I'm going to kill you, you had sex here!" Rachel says while Carly fastely put her clothes on.

"Who is she?" Carly asks probably thinking she's my girlfriend or something. I let Rachel go and she pushes me running into the bathroom to wash her face.

"You're an asshole Britt!" She shouts.

"Carly meet my nightmare" I say smiling "She's my best friend" Rachel comes back and I put some clothes on.

"Hi nice to meet you, I'm Rachel"

"Carly, I'm sorry I don't usually meet people naked"

"Don't worry, it's not the first time I caught Brittany"

"Yeah she's a really cockblock!"

We go into the kitchen and we eat breakfast and talk a bit together, it seems Rachel likes her, I bet she's gonna make my head explode later! Carly leaves, but not before exchanging our numbers and telling me she wants to see me again, I walk back and Rachel has a huge smile on her face.

"Oh shut up"

"I didn't say anything!" She hugs me immediately "I'm so happy Britt you finally didn't run away from a girl"

"It doesn't mean anything"

"It does, you're gonna see her again, it's not about getting into a relationship, but just going out with them and not having one night stand, that's all I wanted, I can't wait to tell your mom"

"What?! Why would you tell my mom?"

"Because she will be happy about it?!"

"Shut up!"

20 minutes after she left my mom called me!

One week later we went to our first date, it was good, we went to a restaurant, not too formal but not even a fast food, then a movie and then I drove her home, a classic date. I had good time but I have to admit that it wasn't easy for me, I tried to not think about Santana, but it was inevitable. It didn't made me ruin the date, but it made everything difficult, when you dated and loved only one girl it isn't easy to start again, I still don't know what to do but, I'm facing it day by day. That night we talked a lot, about our jobs, our hobbies and everything it could came up in our minds, she's really fine, a good girl, maybe the girl I need.

* * *

 **Thoughts? I hope you find the story getting better from how it started.**

 **-Deb**


	7. Chapter 7

Now four months later everything seems settled, I don't feel weird anymore, sometimes I still think about _her,_ but not like before. Carly met Quinn too and we started going out all together, we are a good group, her friends are fine too, but I'm usually with Rach 'cause of work so if we go out with friends she's always there. Some days ago she asked me about Santana, well she asked me about the girl in the photos in my room and I told her she was my best friend and nothing else, is it so bad that I lied? I didn't want to tell her, but I know that at some point it will come out. Anyway now it's too soon, I want to tell her at least when we are serious, four months are not that much. I know it's a risk to not tell her but I don't even know how to .. _Ehy Carly you know the girl you see in the photos in my room? I was gonna marry her, but don't worry it's not like I still love her_.. Nah, I don't think it's a good idea.

Now I'm at the theater, it's a huge opening, my first big big production, we worked so hard, Rachel and I have to stay behind the stage, but we invited Quinn and Carly, well Santana had to come but she had something to do, so I asked Carly and she was really happy to finally see our work. Rachel made this as a tradition, when she started working in Broadway every firsts of big shows she wanted Quinn and Santana there and when I started to work with her too it become a rule!

"Yes Quinn the usual seats" Rachel says to the phone "I heard her! Tell Santana I'm gonna test her after the show so she better not fall asleep" That caught my attention.

"What? What did you say?" Rachel looks at me as 'what?' "Santana is here?"

"Yes, she got free at last moment"

"Why the hell didn't you tell me?"

"Britt you know she comes to our shows"

"I invited Carly since she couldn't"

"Oh"

"Rachel I have to go" Quinn says.

"No wait" But she hangs up "Maybe she's not gonna be that angry?"

"Sure"

 **Quinn's POV**

Meanwhile I try to understand what's happening on the other side of the phone I see Carly entering the theater, what it she doing here? My eyes go from Carly to Santana and now? Carly sees me and waves her hand walking to me.

 _"Rachel I have to go"_ I'm so gonna kill Brittany for this.

"Hi Quinn, this place is so big, I was scared I couldn't find you"

"Our seats are near so we would have found each other in the end"

"Right, I'm excited it's the first time I see their work"

"They're amazing, you'll see"

"I hate these people, look at them, do they know they aren't royals?!" Santana says coming back to me, then she notice Carly.

"Hi.. Do we know each other?" Carly asks trying to figured out where she saw her face.

"Nope" She says and then she looks at me, waiting for me to say who is she.

"Carly Santana, Santana Carly" I say, what should I say? They don't know about each other, Brittany never mentioned her to Carly and for Santana Brittany became even more to not talk about after they had sex. My phone starts ringing, it's Brittany "Excuse me" I take some step back and answer.

"I'm sorry Quinn! Santana shouldn't have come"

"You should have told us anyway"

"I didn't think this could have happen, I just invited her, she really wanted to come"

"And now tell me, how are you going to solve this?"

"Well since I can't move from here I thought my very very best friend could help" She says with a sweet voice.

"Rachel can't move too"

"Oh come on Quinn!"

"Britt what do you think I can do?!"

"Well you're the smartest person I know so"

"Stop it! Just.."

"I didn't really wanna come, my stupid ex works here and I really don't want to see her" Santana says.

"Oh you're gay?" Santana nods "I'm here to see mine actually"

"Britt I really should-" I start on the phone but she interrupts me.

"Please Quinn, they can't talk, I swear I'm gonna tell her everything, I'm gonna be your slave for a month pleeeease"

"She was nervous and didn't want me to come, but she's so good, I almost cried when I saw her dance once" I hear Carly say.

"I know what you mean, when I saw Brittany dance it was always magical, she was amazing" Santana says.

"She really is"

"Shit Brittany, code red here" I say on the phone closing the call, I walk to them, but..

"Wait what?" They say together.

"It's time to go" I say.

"No wait, Brittany is your ex?" Carly asks "Oh my god your the girl in her photos, that's where I saw you"

"What are you talking about?" Santana ask.

"Ok, well I think it's useless to do anything now, Santana" I turn to her "Carly is Brittany's girlfriend and Carly" I turn to her "Yes, Santana is her ex"

"I don't understand, you said you didn't want to see your ex, it's someone else? Or.. Are you still friends or what? I mean she still has some photo with you so"

"We are not friends, the stupid hobbit makes me come here every time" Santana says.

"What? Hobbit? What are you talking about?" Carly asks confused.

"Ok, San can you go in please?" I ask and she walks inside scoffing, Carly looks at her "Ok Carly, I'm asking you to wait until you see Brittany to ask about Santana, she wanted to tell you, you're new and she doesn't talk to Santana anymore so she just wanted to find the right moment"

"Then why are we both here?"

"We were all friends since high school, Rachel, Britt, Santana and I so when they do big shows Rachel wants all of us to come. Santana shouldn't have come this time so you wouldn't have meet today"

"I don't know how I feel about this, I mean they were exes, why hiding it from me? If they don't talk anymore, why put us in this situation? She just could have told me that she has an ex here, I told her about some of my exes"

"You're right, she didn't want to hide Santana from you, since you see her in photos in her house, she wasn't ready"

"What's more? I mean why she has to be ready if it's just an ex? She has photos with her because they were friends, she didn't want me to think there still something?"

"You have to talk to her about this, it's not my place, wait until after the show and she's gonna tell you everything"

 **Brittany POV**

After the show I send a text to Carly asking her to meet me at my apartment, I didn't stay for the party or to say hi to anyone. Once at home I wait to Carly and meanwhile I try to work some speech but she arrives early. She's pissed, I never saw her this way, we sit and start talking.

I tell her about the engagement and that's why I didn't tell her sooner, it wasn't just an ex, anyway after I tell her about the broke up she wants to know the reasons. I try to explain her our relationship in high school and the problems Santana had to front about being gay, finally arriving at our wedding day. She isn't pleased. She asks me if I still feel something for her, if we talk, if everything really ended, if something could happen again, questions that I ask myself everyday, I just tell her what we are now, two people that can't even face each other. We are nothing now, she hates me and I don't wanna fight anymore, obviously it's nothing too reassuring, she's still confused to how this works since she lives with Rachel and she's my bestfriend or with Quinn, but I never go to their house or they tell me when she's with them.

She keeps asking me if I still have feelings for her since I didn't broke up with her because I didn't love her, after thinking about I tell her that I will always feel something for Santana, she was my first real love and I was going to marry her, I didn't want to lie about it. After this she asks me where we stand now, I look at her and say that we stand where we were before, just because she knows about Santana now it doesn't mean that something has to change, Santana was already there even if Carly didn't know.

After our long talk she stays the night, since it was almost 3am, we went to bed and sleep. I wake up when my phone stats ringing, I open my eyes and I see it's 9am, I fucking hate Rachel, she's the only one who would call my before 10!

"Britt please answer" Carly says covering her ears. I reluctantly get up and find my phone. But I'm happy to see Carly still here.

"What do you want?"

"Good morning to you"

"It's a good morning after 10, why do you keep calling me before it?"

"Because your body needs it, anyway how's Carly? Quinn told me what happened and thank you for pissing Santana off"

"Oh I'm sorry I pissed the princess off, maybe she should have stayed where she had to instead of coming"

"It's not her fault if you didn't tell Carly"

"Yeah I know, why is she pissed anyway?"

"Who's pissed?" Carly says entering the kitchen.

"Santana"

"Why do you wanna know?" Now she's gonna question everything.

"Because she doesn't have any reason to?!" Carly nods and starts cooking something.

"I don't know, you know her" Rachel says.

"No I don't Rach, anyway how was the party?"

"It was good, we didn't stay long"

"Why? You love those parties"

"Santana got drunk, so Quinn and I brought her home before she could do something stupid"

"You should have let her, you're not her mothers"

"Britt even if you're trying to hide it and Carly is probably there so you're trying to not say anything stupid we all know that you care about Santana so stop trying to pretend otherwise"

"Anyway I'm sorry if I didn't stay, I'll see you later?"

"Yep, bye" She hung up.

"So why is she pissed?" Carly asks while putting two plate of eggs and bacon on the table.

"I don't know, Santana never liked to talk about her feelings"

"Maybe she was jealous"

"I don't think so, I told you, it's over and she hates me"

"What if she still has feelings for you?"

"She doesn't"

"I said what if"

"Carly I'm with you, why are you asking this? If we would still have feelings for each other you and I wouldn't be together don't you think?"

"Yes, it's just, the way you two broke up, well you didn't really broke up if you think about it, anyway, the way it ended it's not, I don't know, it doesn't seem it really ended. It seems like one of those movie stories where the characters love each others forever and I don't wanna be put between it and get hurt"

"This is why I didn't want to tell you, we were fine before you knew it, you keep asking questions even if I already answered you"

"I just wanna know if you are gonna get together again Brittany, it's over I understand that, but I also know that you still care about her, that you.. I think you still have strong feelings for her"

"Carly, I was wrong not telling you before, I wanted to avoid all of this but-"

"Why? Were you hoping that we would have never met? That no one would have spoken about her? Or your wedding? Those are not things that anyone could hide Brittany"

"You're right, I don't know what to tell you Carly, really, I'm.. I don't know what to do" I don't wanna break up with her, especially not because of Santana, I need Carly, I mean I need this relationship, I need to move on, I deserve to move on too and Carly is a good girl and she likes me and I like her.

"You mean with us? You don't know what to do with us?" She asks.

"No, I mean with all of these questions, or you accept what I told you or you don't, I can't tell you anything more or else, you have to accept the fact that I was marrying Santana or not"

"It's not easy Brittany, maybe I need some day to think about it"

"Ok, but please don't throw everything away"

"I won't, I'll try to accept this.. I have to go now, I'll call you soon ok?" I nod and she pecks my lips leaving my apartment.

After two weeks we came back as we were, she wasn't happy about the Santana thing, but she accepted it, I would like to say that we never fought about it again, but it happened.

* * *

Almost a year later here we are, moving in, in my house, it's a huge thing for me, I still can't believe it, Rachel and Quinn are so trilled about it, even if I know them better, I know they're happy for me but I know that deep down they always saw me with Santana, fuck I saw me with Santana forever too!

Carly saw Santana two other times since the first one, both times at a party thrown for the show Rachel and I worked to, they didn't talk or anything, they just saw each other. And I only saw Santana there too, even with Quinn and Rachel she never came up, the only time we talked about Santana was when she met my mom, it happened some month ago, I made my mom a surprise and we flew there. Carly saw some photo where my mom was with Santana or where we were all together and I knew she wanted to ask so I told her that my mom still talk to her as I still talk to Santana's parents sometimes, anyway my mom likes her, not as much as Santana, but she likes her.

Now that I'm with Carly I see things differently, I mean, I see love in another way, I don't know what it is, it's different from what I had, I love Carly and I can picture me with her in the future, but when I was with Santana there was a spark, something that ignited me. With Carly it's fine, everything seems perfect, like she's the perfect girl and one day she'll be the perfect wife and mother and everything, when I think about it, it scares me, does she want to get married? Because I can't marry her, I can't marry anyone! The only girl I wanted to marry was Santana, the only girl I want to see with that white dress is her, the only one I want to put that ring on is her, so what if..?

What can I see now that I'm with Carly is stability, thing that I didn't always had with Santana, what I'm trying to say is, I think that Carly is the perfect girl for everyone, she's an amazing girl, but Santana was perfect for me. I pictured my life with her, our marriage, our house, our children even our dog, she was my future, I never thought she could be my past.

My thoughts were interrupted from my phone, I'm lying in my bed and Carly is sleeping on her side, I look at the time and it's 2:26 am, who is calling me at this time? I take the phone and I see the number, it's _her_ , I deleted Santana's number time ago, but I still remember it. I exit my room trying to not wake Carly and I answer, what is she going to say? What am I gonna say? Why is she calling me?

"Hello?"

"What? Just hello? Where's my hello honey?!" I recognize a drunk Santana on the other side, why is she drinking? Why she called me? I'm trying to say something but I really don't know what to say, no words come out my mouth "Hellooo? Someone is there? Briiiiiiiiiiiitt?"

"I'm-I'm here"

"You're not here or I would see you, I'm here and you're not, where are you?"

"Home"

"Oh right you're home! Home with Carly, how is she? When is the wedding?"

"Santana"

"I can help her you know? Tips, with hairs, the dress and shoes, maybe she'll marry you for real"

"Santana where are you?"

"Around, I'm everywhere"

"Are you in a bar?" I start to dress myself, it's not like I'm thinking about what I'm doing or what I'm gonna do, I just get dressed and get out of the house.

"Nope I'm somewhere, I don't even know this street" She giggles.

"Shit Santana! Read the name of the street"

"I don't wanna"

"Please, I'm gonna buy you that ice cream you like so much" I remember how can she get when she's drunk.

"Fine then"

Once she tells me the street I drive there while she rambles something on the phone, I don't know what she's talking about, it's not even understandable, I'm so fucking worried about her walking alone and drunk in the streets. I see her walking on the sidewalk and I park near her, when she sees me she runs to me and hugs me tight.

"You're so drunk" I say more to my self, why would she hugs me if not so.

"I want my ice cream"

I nod and we enter the car, meanwhile I drive back I see that she fell asleep so I just drive to her house, is Rachel at home? Once there I wake her slowly and let her lean on me so we can walk up to her house.

"You didn't buy me ice cream"

"I know"

"Another thing you said you would have done and then you didn't"

"Santana" Now we are in front of her door.

"What?" She looks at me and then down, then I see that she's wearing the ring, the ring I brought for her, I take her hand and slowly caress her around her ring with my fingers.

"I'm sorry"

"I know you are, but it doesn't stop the hurting" She enters her house and I follow her, I don't know if she wants me here, but I can't leave if I don't see her safe in her bed.

"I know"

"Are you gonna marry her?" I shake my head "Why? Not even her is good for you?" I widen my eyes.

"You know I didn't marry you not because you weren't enough for me, I'm not gonna marry anyone, not anymore, you were the only one I wanted to marry"

"And you didn't"

"And I didn't" She gets close, until we are face to face with only some inches between our noses. She caresses my cheek and I close my eyes, her hand is so soft, then I feel her lips on mine and my eyes get wide open, but hers are closed. I kiss her back, a soft and delicate kiss, then she opens her mouth and we let our tongues meet, I missed her kisses so much. We kiss slowly and sweetly until I stop it, she looks at me and I look at her "You need to sleep"

"I miss you, even if I hate you"

"I miss you too" She walks to her room and I follow her, she takes her shoes and pants off and slowly gets in her bed.

"I don't want you to marry her"

"I won't" I sit on her bed and I take her hand in mine "I know you're saying these things to me 'cause you're drunk, but thank you, thank you to talk to me, even for telling me that you hate me, I really missed your voice" I slowly take the ring off her finger and put it on her bedside table "Now sleep you're gonna hate me even more tomorrow" I kiss her head and walk out her house.

When I get home I feel empty, she said she misses me, was it real? Did she really miss me? She asked me to not marry Carly, but why? And that kiss? Fuck I cheated on Carly. What was real and what was not? Was she honest with me? Or just drunk talk? I don't understand, why now? We were going so well.

"Ehy were where you?" Carly asks rubbing her eyes while entering the kitchen.

"I couldn't sleep, go back to sleep I'll join you right away"

She goes back to bed and I go wash my face in the bathroom, what a night, what is she gonna think tomorrow morning when she'll wake up for hang over? Is she gonna remember what she said? Is she gonna remember the kiss?

The morning after a really pissed Quinn Fabray called me, apparently Rachel found Santana crying this morning but since she couldn't stay she called Quinn, in the early morning, on her day off, she's worse than me. She called me asking what have I done since Santana didn't say anything, she even told me to not try to lie 'cause she knows it was about me, apparently Santana has a "Brittany cry"! I told her what happened and she got even madder since we saw each other less than 6 times from my come back and we had sex and kissed, but it's not like it's only my fault! She shouted to me some more life lesson and then she ordered me, yes she did order me to talk to Santana, to end whatever it's still going on between us and go on with my life.

 **Two months later**

I still haven't talk to Santana, honestly I'm trying to avoid it, I'm trying to enjoy this time, even if I know it won't last, things are getting in my head. Things are getting serious between me and Carly and it's good, but it's making me going crazy. I know she wants more and she's gonna ask me soon and I don't really know what to tell her, what if she asks me to marry her before we can talk about marriage? What if she does something big and people would be there? I can't tell her no in front of people. How can I introduce the marriage talk without her thinking I want it? I don't wanna get her hopes up and then destroy them.

I'm scared to introduce the talk because we fought about Santana again last week and I don't want her to go immediately there. She found the box under my bed, the one with Santana's things inside, mostly photos, some of her shirts that I didn't want to give back to her, some puppets she gave to me and some necklace she returned to me. I was the one that liked to give her things, there're boxes of puppets, shoes, books and other things at my mom's house, I kept the most important things here. Anyway when she found it she got really mad 'cause she thought I would have got rid of it when we got together or when she move in, but I didn't, I didn't even thought about the box. I managed to convince het to keep it, well I could keep the photo albums in the box under the bed, since it was my past and lots of photos were with Quinn and Rachel too and our parents, but the other things had to go, so I sent them to my mom so she could put it with the other things.

I'm cooking dinner for Carly, I'm trying to be the good girlfriend I can be sometimes, I wanna try to talk to her tonight but I don't wanna do it like a mess, we can have dinner and then talk calmly.

"Oh honey you didn't have to" Carly says entering the kitchen and seeing the table all set.

"I know, I wanted to, now sit"

"I didn't forget anything right?!"

"Not funny" I say.

We start eating and talk about work, then it hits me, I can talk about Quinn, she's moving in with her boyfriend Clark, they started dating seven months ago, it's a bit early but you have to see them, they're perfect for each other. Anyway we all know Quinn and her problem with controlling and organizing things so I bet she already thought about marriage, I bet she did it even before she met Clark!

"Quinn is going crazy" I say.

"How come?"

"She's moving in with Clark and she's already thinking about the other house she's gonna buy when things are gonna get more serious"

"Already?"

"Yeah you know Quinn, I bet she already planned her wedding!" BAM! I said it, I hope she's gonna get the hint.

"Let her be, you know she likes to organize and plan everything"

"Yeah she likes it and it's making Rachel crazy too"

"Why?"

"Because she's a freak like Quinn and she's not at that stage yet, well technically not even Quinn is there!"

"There's a stage?" She looks at me, what should I say? it's time.

"Oh I wouldn't know" Not too rude.. Maybe?

"Uhm.. You never thought about it?" Here we are, get ready for world war III, I'm already starting to regret this.

"Nope, I don't see marriage as a thing I would do anymore" I see her looking at me intensely.

"Care to explain?" She says with a not so happy voice.

"I don't want to get married, what's there to explain?"

"Don't you think it's something we should talk about? We're a couple, we live together and I would like to get married one day"

"Is it gonna be a problem if we don't?"

"Talk or marry? Either ways yes it is" She stands up slamming her hands on the table and walks out to the kitchen. I follow her and she stops before she can enter the bedroom "Is this about Santana?"

"No, I just don't wanna get marry"

"Yes because your marriage with Santana didn't happen! God I'm so stupid, how could I have thought you were going on, that we were going somewhere with this relationship" She shouts to me and then she slammed the door on my face.

Well it went good!

I go clean the kitchen, maybe if I leave her alone for awhile she'll calm down and we can talk about it again, even if I don't think something would change. After some hour I knock on the bedroom door, she doesn't say anything I slowly open the door and lean my head in.

"Carly?" She's on the bed changing channels on the tv.

"I wanna stay alone Brittany"

"Maybe we should talk more ab-"

"Talk about what? About your failed marriage? About the fact that you still want your ex? That you won't marry me because of it?" She says don't even looking at me but still at the tv.

"Carly it's not that"

"Then what is it? I could understand if you didn't want to get marry at all but since you were going to marry her I don't see another explanation to this, so what else would you like to say? Do you even love me?" She asks looking at me this time.

"Of course I love you Carly and I don't understand why you're getting so upset"

"Because you're playing with me Brittany" She shouts crying "I don't wanna see you, please go away" She turns on her side ignoring me.

I take a bag and throw inside some of my clothes, I close the door behind me and go take the rest of my things and then I leave. Once outside I sit on a bench, I don't know where to go, I don't wanna go to Quinn's, she's moving in with her boyfriend, they still have boxes around and I don't wanna intrude and I can't go to Rachel's 'cause Santana lives there. I go to a hotel and take a king room, it's so sad, I can't believe I'm here, why am I here? I start crying.

* * *

My phone wakes me, I slowly open my eyes, l look at the window and light hits me, I close my eyes immediately turning on the other side, I look at the clock on the bedside table and it's 10:48 am, I skipped work.

"Ei Rachel" I say.

"Why are you not at work? I covered you anyway"

"Thank you, I'm exhausted"

"Why?"

"I fought with Carly, I think we broke up"

"What means you think? And why?"

"She didn't say we're done but I slept in a hotel room 'cause she didn't want to see me so, I think she broke up with me or she'll do it soon"

"Oookaaay" She says slowly "Where are we going to meet?"

"I think this time I'm gonna stay alone for awhile"

"Britt we know that you staying alone it's not a solution, please meet me somewhere ok? Don't make me call your mom, I bet she would be happy to help"

"Fine! See you at the bar next work in one hour"

I send a text to Carly asking her if she was okay and if I can go home to take a shower and change, she only texts me back saying that she's at work so I can go and do my things. After I have gone home and have taken a shower I dress my self so I can meet with Rachel, the bed is still undone, what catches me is the box that was under the bed near the bedside table, it's not were I put it. I lean down and take the box, I open it and the albums are messed, I take them and open it, I look at the photos, so many memories, so much love in those pages. It seems all the photos are there, if she didn't take Santana's photos to tear them why she opened it? I put all in again and the box under the bed where it was before and I go out.

I don't wait for Rachel to take a cup of coffee and something to eat, I'm starving, after ten minutes Rachel enters the bar with Quinn, she really does know what I need before I do. They order coffee and sit in front of me, I start telling them everything and at the end they look at each other and then to me again.

"Britt why don't you want to get marry?" Quinn asks.

"'Cause I wanted to marry Santana, I couldn't tell her obviously"

"No you couldn't" Rachel mumbles "So Carly's basically right"

"Yeah, but I'm not playing her, I love Carly and I want to be with her, I just don't want to get marry"

"But if Santana would come back you.." Rachel says letting me continue.

"Yes Rachel, it's useless to lie, I love her yes, we're not together since forever, we've been with other people but I didn't stop loving her and I won't stop. Marriage is not a thing I can do with someone else ok?"

"What about kids? Would you have kids with Carly or someone else?" Quinn asks.

"I don't know"

"So you wouldn't marry her, but you're ok with starting a family with her?" She waits a minute before going on "Britt you have to admit that it doesn't make a lot of sense"

"I know, don't you think I know? It's just, I don't know why my head works like this, I can't marry anyone else than Santana, but I know that I still have a life"

"You don't want to marry anyone else to be "faithful" to Santana?" Quinn asks.

"I don't know Quinn, maybe, but how can I be faithful to her if I'm starting a family with someone else?"

"You promised her you would have married her, maybe you still think there's a chance for you to happen and you don't wanna break it with marrying anyone else" Rachel says.

"Wouldn't have a kid with someone else break chances anyway?" Quinn asks.

"Yes, but you could be with her anyway, it's a so open picture, you could be with her even if you marry someone else, how many people divorce to be with another person? It's just what you think Britt, do you really think Santana is ever going to come back to you?" Rachel asks to me.

"I don't think so, but I hope so"

"Britt you can't ruin your life waiting something that could never happen" Quinn says again.

"I know that's why I'm with Carly, I took my time to start dating people again and when I was ready I met her, I'm with her 'cause I love her, I'm not playing her while I wait for Santana, deep down I know Santana is never going to come back to me, but I can't marry Carly anyway"

"So what's gonna happen now?"

"I really don't know, she's really mad, I'm gonna stay at the hotel for awhile, I took more clothes when I went home"

"Britt you can't stay in a hotel" Rachel says taking my hand.

"Where should I go? I'm giving her space, when she'll want to talk again I'll be there.. Is she going to break up with me?"

"Maybe, are you really sure you can't marry her?" Quinn asks again.

"I can't Quinn, when Santana and I planned our wedding I saw her in a way I can't describe, she was so happy and I was too, it was the perfect wedding, it was our wedding, I bet she was wonderful with her dress and hair all done, but she always is. The kids question is another thing I'm trying to understand, maybe I don't want kids with someone else too"

"Britt" They say softly together.

"I know, it's just hard" I start crying "I thought time and everything in between was gonna help a little, but it's only making me feel worse, 'cause more time past more time I'm not with her. I'm so stupid I should have never let her go, why the hell didn't I marry her when I could" I sob.

"No Britt" Quinn sits next me hugging me "You couldn't marry her, she knows is too"

"She does?"

"Quinn" Rachel says trying to warn her.

"Rach come on look at her, I know we promised that we wouldn't intrude or anything, but.. Brittany" She looks at me "She needed it, she needed what you did ok? She told me that now she see things clearer, she needed to meet other people, to date other people"

"So she just doesn't want me anymore?"

"Well, she's hurt Brittany, even if what you did was something that had to be done you did it in the wrong way, she won't come back Britt and you need to let her go, really let her go, the idea of you having your happy ending has to go Britt. You have to move on, to date someone and not think about Santana, about that if you marry someone else you won't marry Santana anymore, that if you have children they won't be Santana's, you have to start thinking about you. About your life, your marriage, you children and your new girlfriend"

"No more Santana"

"No more" Rachel says taking my hand again "We'll be there Britt, we love you so much, we want you to be happy"

After that awful talk I walk back to the hotel, Quinn asked me to go to her house, but I couldn't she's happy with Clark and I don't wanna create tensions, this thing with Carly could go on for awhile. Rachel couldn't offer, but she offered to come with me at the hotel, to stay there too until Carly and I fix the situation, but I told her not to. If I know her my mom is gonna be here in a day! Tonight is gonna be a long night, I have to think about so many things, I have to think also what I have to tell to Carly.. I don't even know where to start.

Once in my room I ordered a bottle of peach Vodka and when it arrived I lie down on the bed and I start drink, not too fast, I don't wanna get too drunk, just feel a bit free. What Quinn said, she knows now, she just doesn't want me, SHE DOESN'T WANT ME, it's right I know, but it's hurt so much, she's going on, she left me behind 'cause it's the right thing to do, she wants to going on with her life. Her life doesn't include me anymore, I'm going to be there in her memories, but just there, she's moving on and I'm still here instead. I'm still.. just still. Can I really let her go? I have to, what am I gonna do otherwise? Look at me now, hurt 'cause she doesn't want me and hurt 'cause my girlfriend is gonna break up with me for the girl who doesn't want me. Hurt.

If I let Santana go, Carly's probably gonna break up with me anyway, but someone could be there with me again, I could be not hurt, I could maybe have something, I could have what I wanted with Santana. I just have to realize that I'm never gonna have it with her, I have to focus on me, I still want a house, living with a girl I love, a dog maybe, a kid some day, those things.

I take the phone and look at it, am I going to do it? Being a bit drunk helps to take the decision, I text Santana and ask her if we can meet and talk about everything. After 10 minutes or so she texts me back saying yes, I look around and then I throw the phone on the wall in front of me and I finish drinking the bottle of vodka, this is gonna get me knock out in no time, but it's all I need.

* * *

 **I know things seems getting worse, but I posted two chapters in one to get closer to Brittana, you just have to wait a bit, I just wanna try to be real about it, if something like that would happen in reality would you come back together shortly? I just think time is something they need. And don't forget that they want to move on with other people.**

 **Thoughts? No flashbacks here, maybe in the next chapter. I think I'm gonna post longer chapters so I can close this story sooner seeing how it's going.**

 **-Deb**


	8. Chapter 8

Today is a bad day, a really bad one, I woke up with the worst hungover, drinking thinking and crying was a union of bad ideas and now I'm walking to Santana's apartment to talk to her, so as I said.. Bad day.

I ring her door and after some second she opens it, she lets me in and we go sit in the living room, we sit on the opposite side of the couch, almost immediately she stands up and go into the kitchen. It's so weird, we didn't even said a word, she comes back with two cups of coffee, she gives me one and sit again.

"I really don't know what to say, you know that I'm sorry and keep telling you that isn't going to help more, so maybe you should.. I don't know, do you have questions?" I say looking down at her feet.

"I didn't want this, I didn't want you to come here and talk, 'cause I don't wanna talk to you, but maybe I need you to tell me what where you thinking, so I can let all this story go" It hurts so much to hear it.

"You know what I was thinking"

"Apparently I didn't, because I thought you were going to marry me and you didn't even come so, what were you thinking?" She tries to stay calm.

"I was thinking that I was going to ruin your life" She looks at me not saying anything so I go on "I told you, well I told Rachel and the note, you had doubts about being with a girl, about having a family with a girl Santana and don't say you didn't. I didn't come that day because if I came I wouldn't have let you go and you needed it, you needed to have relationships with someone else, you needed to understand if you were ready, to understand if you still like boys, if you want to have a family with me, a girl. I didn't want you to marry me and then regret it because you wanted a "conventional" family, I didn't want you to lose that chance"

"If I wanted someone else I wouldn't have agreed to marry you Brittany" She says raising a bit her voice.

"I was looking into the future, I know you loved me and you were going to marry me because you loved me, you were going to let all your doubts go for me Santana and I couldn't let you do it, I didn't want to trapped you. I want you to marry me because you want me and everything that comes with being with me, people that are going to judge us because we're gay, or that we have to go to a clinic to have a baby, that your grandma is never going to accept me and everything else. But I wanted you to be sure, not just blinded about it"

"Then why you proposed?"

"Because I thought it was going to be the solution of our problems at the time.. And in the end it was because it made me see what I had to do, I had to let you go" I can feel tears cross my face.

"Why did you run away? Why didn't you stay and talk to me? Why did you let Rachel tell me that you were gone? Why did you let Quinn hold me crying?" I look at her and she's crying too.

"Because you were the love of my life Santana, it wasn't easy for me too, I thought about coming back every step I was doing to get far from you. You were everything I wanted and I couldn't have"

"But you had me" She shouts.

"Santana please, think about the relationships you had after me, please really think about it.. Tell me you didn't need them to understand yourself better, you dated guys too" She stays quiet "We would have been happy for awhile and then when we were going to start a family or even with just time you would have been realized that something was out of place, there would have been unanswered questions"

"You're telling all of things and you're just talking about me, what would I have felt or done or anything, and you? You really did all for me? You didn't have doubts yourself?"

"I've been always gay for what I can remember, I never liked guys, when you were thinking about the boys you were gonna marry I was thinking about girls and when I thought about babies the fact that I needed a donor and everything else it's just like when you thought about having sex to get pregnant. I always knew who I was and what I wanted. I really need you to believe me when I tell you that I did it because I love you Santana, I can live with you hating me for what have I done, but I can't live with you thinking I did it because maybe I had second thoughts on us. Because believe me I would have married you, if I knew that you're sure now, that you're ready to be with me for ever, that you don't have doubts anymore, I would marry you now"

"It's just so unreal, if I think about it, it's just so unbelievable" She rests her head on her hands, then she looks up at me "I.. I believe you, it doesn't change much, but I believe you"

"Thank you. It won't change much between us, but it means a lot to me. There's something else you wanna ask?"

"I don't know, right now my head is full, I think that is clear what happened that day, well it was already clear, I think I just needed to hear it from you"

"Maybe we should talk about what happened after" She looks at me confused "We had sex" She thins her lips.

"What is there to say?" I shrug my shoulders and then she look at my hand "You're still wearing the ring, does Carly know it?"

"She never asked about it, I already told you why I wear it and you still have yours too"

"I don't wear it, it's just.. there"

"Why did you come to my house that night?" She lets out a long breathe and then go into the kitchen for a bottle of water.

"I was angry, you came out after years, Peter was stressing me out and then I saw the ring, seeing you with the ring on really made me furious, I felt like you were joking me, I didn't understand, I felt confused. Then you told me you still loved me and I got even madder, but I missed you so much and I don't know, all those feelings were messing with me, I slapped you and kissed you and then I was gone"

"Do you really miss me?"

"What kind of question is that? Obviously I miss you Brittany, it's just hard to be around you, I hate you and I miss you and I want to hug you and then to slap you and it's that, I don't know if I want to kiss you or slap you for everything. That night it was like that, the sex we had was different it was I don't know, it was a mix of all the feelings I was having at the time"

"The night you called me drunk, some night ago, you told me you don't want me to marry Carly, why?" She takes her time to answer me.

"I don't know, maybe in my head, you were going to marry me so I just, I mean, I thought like you should have just married me, like if not me no one else, I don't know, I was drunk" I smile "Why you told me you wouldn't?"

"Because if I didn't marry you I'm not gonna marry anyone else"

"It doesn't make any sense, why? I could understand it if there could be still a chance for us or if you would wait for me forever or something like that, but you're dating Carly and I date other people"

"I don't know Santana, I don't have all the answers, I just feel like that, I don't wanna marry anyone if not you, but I'm trying to go on anyway. I'm trying to date other people 'cause you made clear that you don't want me anymore or I would have waited for you. That's why I'm here, you already let me understand that you don't want me, but I can't let you go Santana until I hear from you those specific words. I need you to say it, because if you don't want me anymore, if you really are going on leaving me behind I need to know it, 'cause I'm trying too but I'm not doing a good job. So please if you really don't want me, tell me to let you go" She takes a deep breath.

"I want you to know that I don't regret what we had Britt, it was important to me and I won't forget the love we shared, you're going to be in my heart forever. But I'm going on and you should do it too, you have to let me go Britt, because I did it, it wasn't easy, it still isn't but it is what I'm doing and what you have to do too" We're a mess, crying, our faces are all wet from the tears.

"Okay. I don't know what to say, deep down I was hoping you to tell me to stay, but I understand, I know it's the right thing, I just, it hurts so much. I won't ever forget you Santana" I stand up and she does too, we walk to the door when she takes my hand stopping me.

I look at her and she hugs me, I hug her tightly, this is a goodbye, the goodbye we didn't had years ago. Why does it hurt so much? I already knew it was over, I'm dating Carly but still my heart is dying. I start crying again, I try to hold back but it's useless, she tightens her grip and then she leans back leaving my body. Her eyes are red too, I look at her and I caress her cheek, she puts her hand above mine and I lean in kissing her lips, just my lips taking hers for some seconds.

"Goodbye Santana" I say sobbing, she nods her head leaving my hand.

"Goodbye Brittany, please take care of yourself" She sobs too, I take my hand off her face and I walk out her house, I run back to the hotel.

This is what I should have done years ago, not running away, but talk to her, say goodbye to her, maybe it would have been diffetent now.

* * *

I stayed in that room for three days, I stayed there on that bed not moving for three days, I ordered some food room service and I used the bathroom, for the rest I didn't move. I don't know if my phone on the floor still works or just needs to be charged, I don't know if Carly called me or if Rachel or Quinn did too, I don't know anything, these people are gonna be mad but right now I still need some time to be alone and in silence, and away from reality. My head and my body is still trying to realize what happened, I'm still trying to adjust, to understand what is gonna happen now.

The next day after a long shower I pick my phone from the floor, it's off, I put it in charge and it gets on, lots of texts arrive, Rachel's, Quinn's, Carly's and from my mom. Basically they were all worried texts, Quinn and Rachel tried to call me and they got worried when they couldn't reach me, Carly asked me to come home to talk and then she texted me again 'cause my mom came home and again 'cause I wasn't answering. My mom was worried 'cause no one knew where I was, then she send me one text telling that she spoke to Santana, so she just told me to be safe and that she would have take care of the girls.

I called Rachel and Quinn to tell them I was safe and sorry for not answering them, they obviously shouted me how stupid it was for me to act like that, again, that they were worried sick and that knowing I talked to Santana didn't help 'cause they got even more worried, then they let me go trying to not come and kill me. I texted Carly telling her I was going home now and I wrote her I was sorry for not answering before, once at home I go into the guest room and I see my mom on the bed reading a book, I lay next to me, putting my arm around her stomach.

"You promised you would never do it again Britt"

"The phone went off and I was in my hotel room all the time, I just slept in"

"Next time you're gonna pay for it, are we clear?"

"Yes mom" She hugs me tight.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"No, you being here it's already enough, thank you"

My mom could stay just for two days, but it was enough to make me feel better, we talked a bit and she told me she's happy for me, she's happy I faced Santana and I want to move on, she wants me to talk to Carly and to fix this situation. Carly stayed at some of her friend's house while my mom was here so I could stay home with her, once my mom left I called her trying to make her come back home.

She says she could come this evening so I went out for grocery and I start cooking, yeah I'm gonna cook a nice dinner for her, that and I have to distract myself before she arrives, I don't wanna think to much or I'm gonna panic. When she arrives we sit in the kitchen and we start eating, we don't really talk, it's weird, we look up sometimes and then at our plates again, I don't even know how to start.

When we finish I put all the plates in the dishwasher and we sit on the couch, she looks down at her feet and I know that if I don't say anything she won't talk so I start talking. I tell her I'm sorry for not telling her before my thoughts about marriage, that I'm sorry for not be able to explain it to her but I really don't know how. It's about Santana? Yes, I tell her and she got mad, but I try to tell her that I love her that I wanna go on with my life, I wanna go on with her. I can't marry her as anyone else, but I want to be with her.

My head starts working fast, what should I say now? How can I let her stay? Then I know it, how can I let Santana go and go on if I really don't do anything about it? Yeah we talked but I really have to start to do something about it. I look at her and my eyes start to burn, she looks at me, really look at me, I take the ring from my finger and I put it on the little table in front of us.

"I.." I try to not cry and I breathe slowly "That's my wedding ring" She looks even angrier "Before you say anything, please let me talk, I wore that ring to feel still connected to what happened, you know that she was also my best friend Carly, I hurt my best friend too. It was something important to me, I was getting marry, I was making a huge step in my life and it didn't happen, maybe it's more about me than Santana, but still I kept wearing that ring and I didn't tell you. Now, I won't wear that ring anymore because it's not right, to you and to me, I want to be with you and I want to let everything about Santana go. I'm trying Carly, last week I talked to Santana" I can see a bit of shock in her "Nothing happened, we just talked, it was somethig we had to do, something that we should have done years ago, something I should have done for first, before the wedding. Anyway, we talked and we ended everything, it was already, but as you said we didn't really broke up, now we did it. Well now I don't know what to say, it took me some time but I'm letting her go, I don't talk to her, I barely see her, I don't have her things here anymore, we talked, we broke up and ..." Deep breathe "And I took off my ring, so now, now you have to decide, can you forgive me? Can you accept what happened? Can you be with me without marring me?"

"I can try, but you have to give me time Britt, I have to think about this, the ring, the marriage, you talk to Santana and everything else, can you wait?" She asks.

* * *

 **2 years later**

What can change in two years? Maybe a lot or maybe nothing much. How things went on with Carly? Fortunately after two months that fight things started to become normal again, the first month she had me sleep on the couch and we barely spoke. It was difficult she couldn't accept it at the beginning, but then we started talking about future, how what happened could alter our future, but I told her that we had to try to know. I had to tell her I don't know how many times that between me and Santana it's over, yes it still went on and on about that, but that made me realize that she wanted to forgive me, she practically was asking me if I were going to leave her for Santana, but it's over so.

After awhile we started talking more, not just about our future or past, general talks, we started to go out, like we were starting dating again, slowly we started having sex again, she let me sleep in our bed and then everything came back to normal. In these two years I can't say we didn't fight again, but never because of Santana, in all that time we never spoke about her again, not even with Quinn and Rachel, I was really going on, we only saw her at the parties for our shows, I even saw her with a girl, I know she's dating someone, but it's not my business right?

Things got a bit weird again when Quinn told she was pregnant, I was the most happy person in the world for her, she deserves this, but obviously it made me nervous. Carly asked me about kids, I tried my best to avoid that talk as long as I could and fortunally we discussed about it just twice. I know it's not right for Carly, but I still don't know what to think about it, I even thought about breaking up with her once, she deserves a family too, she deserves what she wants and I don't know if I'm able to give it to her, I'm still stuck. But Santana is dating other people and she's happy about it, so why can't I be too?

"Hello?" I answer my phone.

"Hi honey what're you doing?" It's my mom.

"I'm on a break at work"

"Yeah.. I was thinking.."

"Fool me, I thought you called to just know what's up with me!"

"Shut up, I'm looking for some plane, what do you think about next week?"

"Mom, Quinn's due is in about three weeks and you're taking a month to be here, you can't take any other day"

"I know baby, but I miss you all so much"

"I know mom, but just wait"

"Remember me why I haven't already moved there?" She asks snorting.

"'Cause you love your job and they finally promoted you?!" She finally has a really good salary working better hours, she can't just leave that, I would love to have her here but she finally can relax a bit, I don't want her to start over again here.

"I love you more than my job"

"I love you too that's why I want you to enjoy your time, you took care of me all your life, now it's time to take care of yourself"

"But all my babies are in New York"

"You have your friends there, your work mates and the Lopez"

"I can make new friends and even the Lopez are thinking about moving there"

"Really?!" Why? Maribel loves her house and where she lives and Robert has the perfect job there.

"Umh, yeah, they miss Santana so they want to be closer"

"We'll talk about it another time ok mom? I have to go back to work, please don't book another plane, wait for Quinn"

"Fine" She sais sadly.

After work I go home and don't even have the strenght to eat I just lie down on the couch. After awhile I feel someone caressing my cheek, I open my eyes and Carly is sit near me.

"Ehy, what time is it?" I ask.

"Six pm honey, you slept a lot" She pecks my lips.

"I'm so tired"

"Why don't I cook something and then we go straight to bed?"

"You're amazing" She stands up but I take her hips making her fall back on the couch "Be lazy with me just for a bit" She laughs

"I have to cook, I can hear you stomach scream for food"

"Fine" I kiss her and then she goes into the kitchen.

The week goes on normally, work and house and some visit to Quinn and Rachel, Quinn pregnacy got me close to Clark, he called me so many times in panic, Quinn cravings were awfull, she wanted the most weird things in the world and he didn't know how to do. We were a team, me Rachel and Clark, while Rachel is dating but it's that serious yet, Carly wasn't really happy about the night calls, but she understood.

* * *

This morning my phone wakes me, I look at the time, 5,48 am, sometimes I hate Quinn so much, Carly starts to move in the bed.

"Baby make it stop, it's early" She puts her pillow above her head and I answer.

"Hell-"

"YOU HAVE TO COME HERE!" Quinn shouts almost breaking my eardrum.

"Quinn? Quinn what's happening?"

"What the hell do you think it's happening?" She says again.

"Give me the phone Quinn and sit down" I hear Rachel says "Britt?"

"Rach?"

"Yeah, you have to come to the hospital, Quinn is having the baby"

"What?! But the doctor said other two weeks"

"I know what he said, but she's having it now"

"You're gonna call mom, I don't wanna be the one telling her"

"I hate you"

"Call her" I hang up.

Quinn is still with Clark, they are so good together, they moved in a new huge amazing house, I still don't know what Clark does for job it has to be something amazing 'cause he built a house just for Quinn and we know how she is, a princess!

She's expecting a girl, Joanna, she was so nervous when she found out, she was scared she wasn't gonna be a good mother, that she was going to be something like her parents, but we managed to calm her down. In the end she embraced her pregnacy, she wants her baby so much even if she hates to be tired and huge, 'cause she looks like an hot-air balloon and I remind her everytime I see her!

I tell Carly what's happening and we jump out of the bed, dressing and getting ready as furious and then we drive fast to the hospital.

Once inside we finally find her, after we got lost twice, I can see her from the open door on her room, she seems exhausted, a nurse near her and Clark next to her trying to calm down.

We enter the room and I also see Rachel in front of Quinn, telling her to breath and calm down, but that just makes Quinn more angry.

"Finally, she isn't listening" Rachel says to me and sit.

"Quinn baby you need to calm down, why is she having the baby now?"

"Nothing's wrong with her pregnacy, the baby just wants to come out, she has to calm down, she's not dilated enought yet" The nurse says to me.

"Quinn what can I do to help you?" She looks up at me with psyco eyes.

"Put your hand in me and take the baby out!" She says shoutig whispering, I look at Clark and he is laughing, but when Quinn turns to him he stops immediately.

"Would you feel better if I take you something to eat?" I ask and she nods.

"I'm sorry she can't eat" The nurse says, I go close to her.

"I know, she won't eat it believe me" I whisper, Quinn just need to feel some kinda control now and knowing I can bring her a sandwich will make her feel better, because she wants it, but she won't eat it because she knows she can't. Little and useless things like that and she will calm down.

I leave the room and I walk around trying to find a machine with food inside, I hate hospitals, they seems a labyrinth. I find one and one with coffee too so I can bring it to Clark too. Meanwhile I'm pressing the bottons another girl comes and my sandwich gets stuck.

"Oh come on!" I say then I turn to this girl "Sorry it got stuck"

"Let me try" She got next to the machine and tries to move it, after some push the food got down.

"Thank you" I take the item and them put the money in the other machine for the coffee.

"You're welcome, do you know where the labor rooms are? A friend of mine is there and I think.. I don't know where I'm" She says looking around.

"Yeah I'm gonna come back there too, you can walk with me, I just need this coffee for the baby daddy"

"Thank you, I have to bring this for the almost mommy!" She says holding up a snack.

"She can't eat you know"

"I know, but my girlfriend said she will need it anyway"

I nod my head, weird, is she a friend of Quinn? I would have known her. Once the coffee is ready we walk back, we chat a bit meanwhile, I can see Quinn and I feel relieved I didn't get lost.

"This is th-" She interrupts me.

"Oh there she is!"

"You're here for Quinn?"

"Yeah, you too? What a coincidence!" We walk to the room, well if you think it's not a coincidence, she's in labor now so it's normal that both of us are here now for her! We enter and I see Santana next to Clark and I can already feel Carly's eyes on me.

"Here's your snack Quinn, Santana told me you would like it" Her girlfriend told her to bring.. She's Santana's girlfriend!

"Now you have two of them" I say and give Clark his coffee, I see the girl look back at me and then to Carly.

"Oh right sorry, I'm Victoria" We shake our hands saying our names "She's Santana, my girlfriend" She says turning to her.

"We know eachothers Vic" Santana goes to her and whispers something and Victoria widen her eyes.

"Ohh, I'm sorry I didn't realaze"

"Ok we're ready" The nurse says taking our attention "We need to go Quinn, Clark can come" He takes her hand and they leave the room.

We all sit looking down saying nothing, sometimes we look around not knowing what to say or do, we just stay there waiting.

"Have you called mom Rach?" I ask and she looks around "Rach!"

"Santana called her" Carly says "We both didn't have the courage to do it"

"Oh.. How much angry was she?" I ask.

"Well she shouted a lot since she said she wanted to come here this week, she felt that she had to come this week" Santana says "She's gonna take the first plane she finds"

"I think they are all gonna find the same plane and come together, when I told Judy she run to her laptop to book a plane" Rachel says.

"My parents too" Santana says.

"Your mom is gonna be furious for this, she wanted to be here for Quinn" Carly says.

"I'm sorry, are you and Quinn related?" Victoria asks.

"No, we.. She lived with us for awhile" I say, what should I tell her?

"Remember when we told you about her father and Judy's problem?" Santana says.

"Oh right, yeah I didn't link it was your mother"

"My mom told me your parents are thinking about moving here" I say, she turns to me a bit shocked, maybe she didn't know.

"They want to get near-" Victoria says, but Santana interrupts her.

"They just want to get closer to me, they're tired to be so far and take a plane everytime they want to see me" I see Victoria looking at her curiously.

"If they come here it won't pass much time before your mother does it too" Carly says. After that silence takes the room.

After almost two hours the nurse comes back telling us that everything went fine, Clark behind her, Quinn and the baby are gonna come back in the room soon.

"I was so scared" Clark says,

"The nurse said it was fine" Victoria says.

"Not for the baby, I was afraid of Quinn!" We all start laughing, we can understand, I can imaging her shouting at the nurses and him, crushig his poor hand and things like that.

Once Quinn comes back we all meet Joanna, her beautiful baby girl, she looks like Quinn with just some hint of Clark, but it's too soon to say it. If she's gonna be as her mother we're all so screwed!

* * *

 **One month later**

I look out my bedroom window, rain, it's one of those sad rainy day, when everything seems grey. Today Quinn's gonna have a party at her house, Joanna first month, we immediately ask her if she's gonna throw a party every month but fortunalety she said only the first month and then the normal things! She wanted to have the party outside on her backyard, but I think she even called a weathermen to know exactly what kinda weather was gonna be today, so we're staying inside.

"I still don't understand why she's having this party" Carly says while we're getting dressed.

"She's Quinn no one knows why she does things! Everybody must think it's for Joanna, but I think this party is for herself, as an 'I survived the first month' party" She laughed.

"Most incredible thing? You mom didn't go crazy helping her"

"Crazies get along!"

We drive for half an hour and we arrive, she leaves a bit outside the center, in this little castle. We enter and there're a lot of people, does even Quinn know those many people?! I find our group and we go there.

"Here's my baby" My mom greats me and then Carly, Quinn joins us.

"Here the party girl!" I say hugging her.

"Not you too, Rachel and Santana already told everybody, Joanna is the party girl, and a month is a huge thing!"

"We know Quinn, congratulations!" Carly says hugging her too.

"Who are these people?" I ask.

"Friends"

"Nope, we're friends" I say pointing to us and towards Rachel and Santana.

"They're some friends of Clark, workmates.. I don't know, I don't care. Enjoy the party I have to go to Clark he wants me to talk to his friends" She leaves.

"She's really a party girl" Carly says sarcastically.

"Hope to not see her drunk" Rachel says "She almost hit me once"

"You deserved it, you took her boyfriend" Santana says.

"Really? I never pictured you as a stealer Rachel" Victoria says, I smiled at her.

"Don't believe to what she tells you, she's a naughty girl!" I say and Rachel immediately run to catch to me but I'm faster, while she's chasing me we hear Quinn shouting us to don't run inside the house.

For all the party I keep looking at Santana, in the last months we met ofter because of Quinn and it was weird and good at the same time, we didn't talk or anything, but we were both there. We managed to stay in the same room without fighting or do weird things, as we were normal people, it felt really good and it get my mind to get crazy again, I started to thing about her again.

The party goes on, Quinn takes Joanna for the cake photos, we managed to do some photo with her before she fell asleep. My mom stayed here for the entire month, she leaves tomorrow, Santana's parents came back for the party and so did Jim and Judy. Yes my dad is here, it's not like we ever talked, but we said 'hi' to eachother, but after his wedding I didn't even look at his direction. I see him looking at me and at Carly, does he want to know her or something? I hope his eyes just met us, because I don't want him to even look at us.

"I talked to him, after his wedding, I told him where he stands in your life and in Susan's life, he got angry, but I think he got it" Robert says.

"Thank you, really, you keep taking care of me, even if I'm not your child and even after what happened with Santana"

"I'm not your father Brittany, but I like to think that maybe I'm like, I don't know, part of a family, because I really care about you Britt. Yeah if one day Santana would come and ask me to stop talking to you, I would do it because she's my daughter, but that wouldn't stop me to care about you"

"I love you too Rob"

"Have you talked to Santana lately?" I look at him, why would he ask me that?

"You know we don't talk to eachother"

"Yeah right, I was just wondering, I have to go back to Maribel, see you later" And he leaves me.

"Ehy baby everything's fine?" Carly says joining me "What you and Robert talked about?"

"My dad" I told her what happened between us time ago and she knows how much I hate to talk about him.

"Come on, everyone is missing you" She takes my hand taking me back to the group.

While they're talking I search for Santana with my eyes, I answer them, but absently, I don't even know what we're really talking about. She's not far, she's talking with Victoria and some friend of Clark, what hit me it's that she was already looking at me, she found me already, she must have seen me talking with her dad and keep looking at her during the party. I keep looking at her, even when the others try to catch my attention, even when Carly takes my hand again, my eyes always on Santana.

We're talking with our eyes, I'm not sure what I'm telling her, I'm feeling like I'm gonna explode, like I'm daring her, I don't know, I feel confused, my mind is a mess, a chaos of emotions. She keeps looking at me, I see panic in her eyes, why? Is she scared I would try something and she would let it happen? Can something really happen between us? She excused herself and walks away, I immediately follow her, I hear Carly calling me, but I leave all of them behind. She turns and sees me walking behind her, she keeps going on, I don't even know where's she going.

"Stop following me" She shouts, but I don't stop, she opens a door and we're outside on Quinn's backyard, under the heavy rain, she turns, we're getting all wet "Stop looking at me"

"I can't" I say.

"You can't look at me that way"

"Which way?"

"Like you.. As before, you can't look at me that way, you can't look at me" Her hair are completely soaked, her clothes got skin-tight, the water crosses her face, her eyes are not puffy, she didn't cry, but they're red, like she's gonna do it.

"Santana" I look at her, I look at her with soft eyes, with my 'I'm in love with you' eyes.

"No Brittany"

"Santana"

"STOP SAYING MY NAME THAT WAY" She shouts "You have no right, no right to twist my life, to make me fall in love with you, to make me say yes to you, to abandon me at the altar, to make me live my life for years without you and go on and now that I'm really ready to leave you behind, to really move on with my life you.. You look at me that way, you say my name that way, you're intoxicating my life again as the first time we met, you have to stop" She takes a deep breath "Two months ago Victoria asked me to marry her.. And I said yes"

"I can't stop looking at you"

"That's what you have to say? Have you heard me"

"Yes Santana, I just, I don't know how to feel, how to not fall here and start crying, I'm trying to not explode here now that you told me that you're getting married. So I'm telling you I can't stop looking at you, I just can't, I can't control it, don't you think I would like to look at my girlfriend? I can't stop saying you're name that way, 'cause that's the only way I can say it. I can't say I'm happy for you, because I'm not, I'm not happy you're marrying someone else, I can't be happy for that" She looks at me a bit surprised "I'm sorry for what I did, I'm sorry for everything, I'm sorry that now it's too late, too late for everything, sorry to tell you I'm sorry, sorry to not have talked to you at the wedding, I'm sorry to tell you I love you"

"Why are you telling me these things? We talked already, we're over, why?"

"I'm so stupid, I let all this time go, yes you're probably over me, but I'm not over you, how can I? We needed time and I messed up everything, I ruined everything" I start crying "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" I say sobbing "I wanted to do the right thing and I ruined everything, I told you I was gonna go on with my life and I didn't, I'm sorry, I hurted you so much, it destroyes me, I'm sorry" I keep mumbling sorry while crying as crazy.

"Britt calm down"

"I CAN'T"

"TRY, DO SOMETHING"

I kiss her, I take her from her cheeks and with one motion I link our lips, it's wrong but nothing feels so good. It's like a men left out in a desert that finds water, desperate, this kiss is needy, I need to feel her, physically and emotionally. She's kissing me back, my right hand goes into her hair, this kiss isn't beatiful, the water keeps entering my mouth, we're wet and so cold that I can barely feel anything, but I wouldn't change anything about it. I lean back slowly, opening my eyes and lookin at her, she does the same, we keep the sight and I lean back in taking her lips again with mine, this time no tongue, just lips, then I give her one last peck and lean back for good this time.

"Victoria is good for me, I can't do this to her Britt, I'm not a cheater, please"

"I'm sorry, I don't know how to not be with you.. I'm sorry.. I keep hurting you"

"I understand Britt, I know.. Just, please, let me go, I need you to, I really need you to let me go" I caress her cheek.

"I wish the best for you Santana, if she's.. If she's the best for you, I hope.. I hope.." I don't wanna seem horrible but how can I tell her I wish them the best, I do because I want the best for Santana, but I hoped it was with me "You should go back inside, don't worry I'm gonna stay away from your relationship"

"Britt I-"

"Pleaso go, I need a moment"

I sit on a chair, I don't even know if it's a real chair or some kinda decoration Quinn found for the house. She's getting married, what am I gonna do now? I feel so lost.

"Britt what the hell are you doing? Why are you under the rain? You're gonna be sick" Carly asks opening the door from inside.

I look up her with my teary eyes, I just stand up and walk inside, I take my bag and go outside again to get the car, I wait for Carly, thankfully she understood I wanted to go home.

Once at home I immediately go to take a super hot shower, I leave Carly at the entrace, how am I gonna tell her I kissed Santana.. Again? I look up letting the water fall directly on my face, I put my hands on the wall and I start crying again.

When I get out and dry I can already feel the massive headache I have and I know it's not just because of the rain, I'm gonna be sick but it's not the only reason 'cause I feel so. When I go into the bedroom Carly is already in the bed, I don't know if she's already sleeping or if she just wants to not talk, does she already know? I lie down and close my eyes, my head and my body are tired but I can't sleep.. She's getting married. I kissed her, I'm the worst person ever, I have to do something, I have to get things better, I can't keep going on hurting people. I'm such a mess.

* * *

I wake up, my head feels like there was a party in there last night, it's almost 10 am, Carly isn't in bed, she doesn't work today so she's probably in the kitchen, I should have been at work, but how can work when my head feels beaten up? I look at my phone and I have lots of texts, from Rachel asking me what happened yesterday, telling me that she covered me at work and if something happened with Santana, from Quinn asking me the same things and from my mom. Shit! I didn't even say goodbye to her, this morning she had her plane, thankfully Clark brought her there, I couldn't have. I have to call her and what I'm gonna tell her? What am I gonna tell everybody? Why I keep creating problems?

"Oh wow look who finally decided to call, my daughter"

"I'm sorry mom"

"Do you wanna tell me what happened yesterday?"

"Not now, I'm gonna come there, so maybe we'll talk then"

"Should I worry Britt? Are you ok? Tell me now!"

"I'm fine mom really, I just need to talk to Carly right now, I'll see you later"

"When are you gonna make me stop worry about you?!"

"I'm sorry mom" I hang up.

Things are getting better! I fucking hate my self. I get up and go into the kitchen, Carly is reading some magazine, she looks up at me and then again down. I make a cup of coffee and lean on the kitchen looking outside the window.

"Are you gonna tell me what's happening?" She asks "I mean, I think I know what happened, but I need you to say it"

"I kissed Santana yesterday" I look at her, she stays silent for some second.

"I don't even have words, really, what can I say to you?" She says starting crying.

"I'm sorry Carly"

"I thought we were past that, I thought that by now I would be safe from that.. Why can't you love me? Why am I not enough from you?"

"I love you Carly, you're more than enough for me, you're amazing, you know that and if Santana weren't in the picture.."

"But she is, she always had, all of these years and.." She sobs "What was I?"

"I'm sorry I didn't want to hurt you, I'm sorry, I really care about you"

"You cheated on me and you care about me? Was it even the first time?"

"Yes! Well.." She widen her eyes "We kissed twice but.. It was some time after our first year together, she was drunk and she called me, I brought her home and she kissed me and then when we fought about marriage, I talked to her about our past and we kissed goodbye"

"You just tell me as if it's nothing, as if it was some legit gesture. I can't believe this is happening.. Now!" She cleans her face with her hands.

"I don't know what to say, how to make you understand that I'm really sorry"

"You should probably stop talking then. I believed you, I kept asking you if it was really over and you said yes, you made me believe we had a future" She stays quiet for awhile "I should go take my things, I don't wanna be here, I don't wanna see you again"

"Stay, I'm gonna go to my mom's house for awhile" She nods putting her hands on her face crying and I go back into my room to do my bag. Once ready to go I stop to the kitchen, I look at her crying, what can I say? Should I say something? "I'm sorry Carly, I wish the best for you, I obviously wasn't, I'm really sorry, I didn't want to hurt you, if you need anything.. Goodbye Carly"

And with that I leave, I take a cab and go to the airport, meanwhile I called work and tell them I'm gonna take a week and then I texted Quinn and Rachel that I was gonna go back home for a week to "relax".

I had to wait five hours for my plane, it was the first one I could take.

Now I'm home, another cab and another person to disappoint, my mom is gonna be so mad. I ring at her door and I see her surprised face, I enter and she hugs me.

"You said you were going to come here, but I didn't think you meant today"

"I needed to leave New York and I think you know why, I thought we didn't have secret mom" I look at her intensely.

"How did you find out?"

"She told me, why didn't you tell me?"

"Britt she asked me not to, we have no secrets about you and I"

"Carly and I broke up this morning"

"You want to stop Santana getting married?"

"What? No, I'm gonna stay away from this, I won't ruin her life again. I kissed Santana yesterday and I told Carly and we broke up"

"You kissed Santana? Britt!"

"I know I shouldn't have, so here I am, I'm gonna stay here for a week, it's ok?"

"You can stay here all you want baby, just try to relax"

After two days I get out of the house to take a walk and obviously I see the Lopez not too far from me. What do I do? Greet them? It would be so awkward now that I know she's getting married, I can always turn and go the other way.

"Hi Brittany, what are you doing here?" Maribel asks walking with Robert toward me, I wasn't fast enough.

"Rough days so I needed to get away, how are you?"

"We saw eachothers three days ago what could have happened? Are you fine?"

"I.. Carly broke up with me"

"I'm sorry, you seemed fine"

"Yeah, it was my fault, I.. I kissed Santana at the party" I look down.

"You did what?" Maribel asks shocked while Robert stays quiet.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I won't bother her again I promise, now I know she's getting married" They stay quiet "I promise that I won't ruin her marriage, I won't show up at her wedding, I'm really going to stay away from her"

"Come here" Robert says hugging me "It's gonna be ok Brittany, you're gonna be fine with time ok?" I nod against his shoulder.

"Come on we're gonna give you a ride at home"

"Thank you"

While we walk to their car we say nothing, they're beutiful people, we're kinda family even now, I'm so glad I met them.

"She was scared I would have ruined her wedding, that's why she didn't want me know right?" I ask.

"She never say why, she just asked to not say it to you"

"This is why you want to move"

"Yeah we want to be near her if one day.. You know.. If they.." Maribel doesn't know how to say it, but I understand, when they're gonna start a family.

"I told her I wish the best for her and if Victoria it's right for her, then I'm happy for them, I only want Santana's happiness"

"I know she's happy to know that, I know that nothing went as you thought years ago, but she still cares about you" Suddenly it hits me, I'm home, with the Lopez, Santana's home.

"Yeah, you know what? I want to do something, I love her, I care about her, she's important, she deserves everything, I want to get things better, I know nothing is gonna make her forgive, but I want to try and make her even more happy than she is now, I want to make her wedding perfect. I ruined ours but I can do something for this one, she deserves to be the happiest person in the world, so I need to try"

"What are you talking about Britt?" A concerned Robert asks.

"Can you give me your mom address?"

* * *

 **Santana POV (Quinn's party)**

I run inside the house and into Quinn room, I undress my self, my clothes weigh so much, under the hot water of Quinn shower I think about what happended. She kissed me, she looked at me with those eyes, those gorgeous eyes, I can't believe she almost had me. She still intoxicates me, after all I still want her, how can it be possible? I should hate her, I mean I hated her for the first years then I started to miss her, still hated her but I missed her so much and now? Now after almost 8 years maybe all the hate I had it disappeared, I have no more hate for her.

With time I understood things, I learned things and I grew up, when I think about Brittany now I think about my ex lover not about the girl who stood me up at our wedding. I know it's not right to myself, I should still hate, but I can't. It seems I can't not want her. That's why I didn't want her to know about the wedding, I was scared she would have stopped it and I would have let her. When Victoria proposed to me I wasn't that much surprised, we talked about it some month before and I told her I wasn't against, but I didn't really want to, I've already had told her about Brittany. After that talk I really thought about it, getting married, did I really want that? Was I ready to front that? I'm trying.

Tonight she kissed me and I almost gave up, when I told her two years ago I've had moved on I wasn't lying but it wasn't even the truth, I mean, I couldn't really move on, it was the time that went on and I had to get used to. We needed to move on, she was my past, what went wrong so we had to go on so I told her what we needed, probably not what we wanted, but I think it was the right choice. The same thing I did tonight, I asked her to let me go because if she would have insisted I don't know what I would have done.

I steal some clothes from Quinn's wardrobe and I go downstairs, I say fastly goodbye to the others and I go away with Victoria. Once at home I go to bed avoiding her, I just wanna sleep and rest my mind, when she comes to bed I fake to be asleep and she hugs me falling asleep next to me.

I wake up and then go into the kitchen making coffee, Vic is still sleeping, I have two texts, from Quinn and Rach, both asking me if something happened yesterday with Brittany. I call them telling what happened, they don't say anything, they just ask me if I was ok and if I need anything, then Vic joins me and I hang up.

"Morning" She says kissing me.

"Good morning"

"We left in hurry yesterday, were you ok?"

"I need to tell you something" I see her face get worry "Brittany kissed me, please don't get mad, it was just a kiss and nothing else happened, I told her I'm not a cheater"

"What the fuck we get married in two months"

"I know I'm sorry, she kissed me and I told her to leave"

"Is this a way to stop the wedding?"

"What? No! Why would you think that?"

"Well you didn't really want to, then you wanted to hurry with it because you get too anxious because of what she did and you want just the less people as possible, now this"

"I want you Vic, she kissed me and not the other way around ok? The wedding is ok, I just needed to tell you, I didn't want to keep it from you, please Vic, I'm sorry"

"Ok, I just need to, I don't know, can you not see her?"

"We don't see eachother Vic, it happened because Quinn is our best friend, you know that"

"I know, then please don't be alone with her"

"I won't"

After that she was mad for awhile but she let it go for me, it's not like I see Brittany everyday or something so it won't be a problem.

* * *

 **Two weeks later**

We're choosing the cake, I'm tasting every kind, I'm scared to get fat, this wedding is stressing me out not only for the obvious reasons but also because I want everything to be differet from the other one. Vic doesn't know that and I don't think she ever thought about it, but for me it's hard since I chose all I liked for the other wedding. A phone call interrupts our cake tasting.

"San it's yours" I look down and I see a name I haven't see in a long time "Are you alright?" I shake my head "Are you gonna answer?"

"Yeah I just need a second" I stand up and go sit in a table near a window not too far from them, this place isn't so big "Hello?" I don't know if really believe what I've seen on the screen.

"Santana? I'm grandma" It's her, it's really her. Why is she calling me? Oh God, what's happening? "I want to apologize" What?! "Santana are you there?"

 **We're almost at the end, I'm ending this story, I put some chapter together so it's gonna be faster.**

 **I already know what you think about this chapter especially about the end. But let's see what you have to say! :)**

 **-Deb**


	9. Chapter 9

_"Hello?" I don't know if really believe what I've seen on the screen._

 _"Santana? I'm grandma" It's her, it's really her. Why is she calling me? Oh God, what's happening "I want to apologize" What?! "Santana are you there?"_

"I'm still here"

"I'm in New York, I'd like to see you if it's ok with you"

"Yes" I say quickly "Tell me where you are and I'll come there"

"I would like to see your restaraunt"

"Ok, I'm gonna pick you up, where are you staying?"

"It won't be necessary, someone is gonna drive me there"

"Ok, I'll be there in 20 minutes or so"

What just happened? My grandmother just called me and she wants to see me. I put my phone on the table and Vic comes to me. I tell her about the call and that I need to leave, she wants to come but I need to do it alone and then I don't wanna throw my wedding on my grandma face, last time it didn't go well.. I need to understand where we stand now.

I leave and I pay the cab double to get to my restaurant faster, once inside I look at the tables, just people I don't know, she won't stood me up right?.. And then the doors get open and I see her, my grandmother walking into my restaraunt, she sees me and walks to me, I stay still, she's really here.

"Hi grandma"

"Hi Santana" She smiles to me, caressing my cheek "Do you have a table for us?"

"Yeah right" We sit, she's right in front of me.

"You grew up so much, so beautiful and this place looks amazing, I'm really proud of what you've done"

"Thank you, it's good to see you.. Can I ask you how come you're in New York?"

"I'm here for you, I want to apologize, how I reacted years ago, it was awfull and I'm ashamed of my self, I love you so much Santana" I smile to her "I want to tell you that I'm still not ready to accept your lifestyle, but I still want to see you and talk to you, I don't know if I'm ever gonna be ready for that, but I can try right?"

"It would be amazing, I know you come from a different time from mine and I understand, it means so much for me that you're here now"

"I'm sorry it took so much time and a bit of pushes for me to come to you"

"I thought you were never gonna talk to me again so it's ok" My eyes start to water.

"Please don't cry" She takes my hand above the table "I don't deserve yout tears"

"I'm just happy, it was hard for me to accept myself as a lesbian, things went wrong and when you disowned me it seemed the last strow, with time I understood and accept myself and now you're here, so I'm really happy" She smiles.

"I heard you're getting married" I widen my eyes, how does she know?

"I didn't send you the invite because y-"

"I know don't worry about it, I don't think I would come anyway, I'm still not ready for a gay wedding, small steps, but I really would like to know if you're happy with this girl, Victoria right?"

"How do you know all these things?"

"Well your parents still come to my house sometimes and they talk all about you, but Brittany told me about your wedding" I'm sorry what? Did I hear right?

"Wait, Brittany?" She nods "Why would she.. I'm confused"

"Brittany came to my house, she's really nice, a bit cheeky, but really polite, I didn't recognize her, I saw her once years ago. When she told me who she was I didn't want to see her, but she said she wouldn't move from my front door until I would have listened to her and hours later I let her in" She giggles, I'm still puzzled.

"I.. What she said to you?" Why would Brittany go there?

"She spoke about you, about your wedding about your story with her, also about the almost wedding, at that point I was really confused about her presence in my house since you broke up. She told me all her reasons and I have to say that what she did was horrible Santana, but she gave you freedom, I feel guilty too, because I feel part of the reasons why she left you, it was my fault too. Then I asked her why she was there and you know what she told me?" I shake my head "She told me she wants your happiness, she loves you so much that she wants to give you everything she's capable of, she said there're two things she could do to make you happy, leave you alone and talk to me. She was sorry for not coming sooner to me, but she was distracted for other things that were happening in your relationship and then you broke up and she was just trying to distract herself. Now she wants your wedding to be perfect, because you deserve it, as I was a gift for you" She laughs, but I don't "She asked me if I was happy without you in my life, because she weren't, if hating you made me feel good, obviously it didn't, anyway, she asked me what would have costed me to call you? Was I gonna end to hell for loving you? My gay grand daughter? I told her no and she managed to made think, really think, that girl has a way to talk to people, I understand why you loved her, she said a lot of things, but I can't remember them all"

"You're here because of Brittany?"

"I'm here because of you Santana, yes she helped me, I needed her little push, but I missed you and I'm really sorry, I'm not gonna dissappear now, I know it won't be easy for you to believe I'm really sorry and probably you won't forgive me, but I had to try. Your parents think their visits bother me, but it's what I wait the most because they talk about you"

"I believe you"

"Santana I have no right to give you tips or anything.. but a girl like Brittany.." She looks at me deeply "Anyway I would like to meet Victoria some day if it's ok with you" I nod my head "Are you ok?"

"I, I don't know, I mean yes, you are here so yes, I'm just a bit overwhelmed, and most cofused, about Brittany"

"I believe that knowing I'm staying at her place it won't make you feel better"

"You're staying there?" Now I'm shocked!

"Yes, she booked my plane ticket even before she came to me, she already knew I would have come to see you, because who wouldn't come back to you? She offered her house to me or to pay for my hotel room, but I was fine with her house even it's full of boxes, not the right time to move.. She drove me here anyway"

"Move? Where're they going?"

"They?"

"She lives with her girlfriend"

"Oh yeah she said something, they broke up some week ago I think"

"Wait wait? She broke up and she's moving? Where is she going?"

"I don't know, I didn't ask, anyway I'm gonna come back home this evening, maybe we can call each other sometimes?"

"Yes it would be wonderfull"

She stands up and hugs me, I hug her tight, as it's the last time I'm gonna see her, but she promised me she's gonna be there for me so, she leaves the restaurant probably going to meet Brittany so she can drive her to the airport. I sit back at the table.. WHAT THE HELL?! What's happening? Brittany went to my grandma, she managed to bring her back to me, she's single and she's moving. What? Is she moving away from New York? Is she moving because of Carly? Because of me? Why is she moving?

I call my parents and told them about grandma, they didn't know she was gonna come here, they knew Brittany wanted to meet her, they told me Brittany and Carly broke up the day after the party and that she went back to Ohio. They don't know anything about her moving somewhere, anyway they ask me about what my grandma say, I tell them everything and they are happy to, obviously they ask me about Britt, if I was gonna talk to her or anything, but I really don't now. I don't know what to do, what to think, why? Why she went there? For my happiness? Is she trying to make me come back to her?..

No, she told no one what she was doing, she broke up and said nothing, she's moving away probably to stay away from me and Victoria and still she told no one and I know she's not that selfish and she promised me she was gonna leave me and this time I think she means for sure. She really did it for me, she did it to making me get married in peace, now that my grandma is talking to me I feel so much better, even realeved, as my wedding is gonna have a different meaning now that she's here with me.

She did this for me, because she loves me, still, I told her I'm getting married and she did this. What the hell are you doing to me Brittany Pierce?

* * *

I come back home and Victoria asks me tons of questions and I tell her everything, even that it was Brittany who went to my grand mother. Then we start fighting about it 'cause she thinks she did it to make me come back to her, but I tell her my thoughts so no, she did it for me and it makes her more angry cause she still loves me, so since this is a no end talk I stop talking and I tell her I'm gonna go to Quinn's house, before I can close the door she reminds me we're gonna get married in less than two months.

"Tell me again!" Quinn says while I roll my eyes and I play with Joanna in my arms.

"I'm just confused Quinn"

"About what?"

'Brittany"

"Why?"

"Because right now I want to find out"

"Santana I know you still love Brittany, but can you really have a relationship with her? Lets not think about the fact you're getting married, just think about you and Brittany. Would you forgive her and start again after all?"

"I don't know, I think, I want to, but I'm scared I won't be able, I was angry and angry and angry and then I wasn't anymore, I just missed her. She was right, about me dating men, I wanted to, but then I totally accepted my sexuality, so I think I can forgive her. We know she's not a bad person, we're talking about the girl who friended us at school and we were horrible to her and Rachel but she looked through us, she took you into her house, she had so much patience with me and now she helped my grandma to talk to me"

"San I'm gonna support you anyway, you have to feel what you want, who you want to be with"

"I'm scared"

"I know honey"

"Look at her, so peacefull" I say looking down at Joanna, she fell asleep.

"Don't you ever dare to grow up!" Quinn says taking her from my arms and she brings her upstairs.

I don't wait for her, I drive back into the city, I need to talk to her, I hear my phone ringing, I know it's Quinn trying to stop me to do something stupid, but I don't wanna do anything, I just wanna talk to her. I park down her building and walk up to her door, what if she already moved? What if she's not at home? I ring and I hear her from inside saying to wait a second, I wait and then she opens the door.

"Santana, what are you doing here?"

"Thank you" I hug her, she's taken aback from my gesture.

"I did nothing, your grandma wanted to see you so don't thank me" I lean back.

"Shut up Brittany, she told me you stayed there for hours before you could talk to her. Are you moving?" I say looking around, she looks at me for some seconds, studing my face, what is she doing?

"Yes, Carly and I wanted to find somenthig bigger" She's lying to me, she wanted to understand if I knew, she doesn't want to tell me she's single, she just confirmed my thoughts, she's not a bad selfish person as Victoria thinks. And with that I kiss her, I lean on my toes and place my hands on her face, I take her lips with mine and then I open my mouth, I want her, but she doesn't respond "San you don't want this, you're just confused cause your grandma came here, you told me you're not a cheater and I don't want to make you one, I promised to not ruin your wedding"

"I know, but I also know that after Quinn's party doubts took me bad, it's not because of my grandmother and she told me you and Carly broke up. What you did for me it was wonderfull Britt, you brought my grandma back to me without having nothing in exchange and also for my wedding, this is love, the love I want. This made me realize how much I still want you, how much I miss you Britt" Lately I do nothing than crying, she takes my hand and let me in, we sit on the couch.

"San you don't want me, at Quinn's party you asked me to leave you, you want Victoria, you want someone that didn't hurt you and I did"

"I asked you to leave because I would have let myself go if not, you had me Britt, I had to ask you to leave, you always had me"

"What are you saying Santana?"

"I want you"

"Why now? Why not years ago? Why not when we talked?"

"I was still angry and then when we talked I thought we needed to move on, but I still loved you Britt, I just did what I think was right for us. When Victoria talked about marriage I started to think a lot, was I really going to marry her? Then I started to see you more because of Quinn pregnacy and then you looked at me just as you do and I became a mess Britt, I missed you so much" She hugs me, I lean my head on her shoulder and close my eyes.

"I'm scared, I don't know what's gonna happen, but lets say we try again, are you really going to love me as before? Are you really going to forgive me? Because I won't be able to lose you twice"

"Yes Britt, I forgive you, I think that my heart forgave you time ago, when I dated guys and it didn't worked, when I dated girls and it felt good, but it was never enough. My head needed more time" She kissed my head "Where are you moving?"

"Just some distric away from here, about 10 minutes from here"

"Why?"

"I wanted some distance" Distance from me.

"What are we gonna do?"

"Now? Nothing, you're gonna sleep and then tomorrow you're gonna think again of what you have said and then we'll see, nothing before tomorrow"

"I don't wanna go home" I sob.

"Stay, I can go to Rachel's" She stands up, but I take her hand.

"Stay please, I don't wanna be alone"

"Ok" Still with our hands together she walks me to her bedroom, she leaves my hand and goes on the other side of the bed, we lift the covers and we start to take our clothes off.

She gives me one of her tshirt and then she gets in the bed, I take my phone and send a text to Victoria telling her I'm staying with Quinn and then send one to Quinn asking her to cover me, as we did in high school. I put the phone on the bedside table and turn to Brittany who's lying on her back, I lie on my side and hug her with my arm, she kisses my head and we fall asleep.

* * *

I wake up and look at this white cealing, a cealing that's not mine, I turn my head and I see Brittany sleeping, it's still early, 7:23 am. I look at my phone and I see I have a text, when I see it's from Vic I sit up, I open it and it only says " _Please come home_ ". I start crying, I must be crying loudly because Brittany wakes up and hugs me, I cry on her shoulder and that makes me cry even more, 'cause I shouldn't cry on her. Victoria doesn't deserve this, she's a good girl and she's good for me, we're getting married and I'm doing this, I'm gonna end everything. But Brittany is.. _Brittany_. I feel so bad, so fucking bad.

* * *

I must have fallen asleep, Brittany isn't here anymore, I hear some noise from the kitchen, I get up and walk to the door, I can hear Quinn and Brittany, I stay hidden overhearing.

"I don't know what to do Quinn"

"What do you mean?"

"It seems I only hurt her, I'm bad"

"You're good Britt, things are just complicated "

"They are because of me! I created all this mess, I can't let her leave Victoria, they're good, she's happy"

"I'm her best friend, I know her better than anyone Britt, even than you, yes they're good, yes she's happy, but it's not enough, she would have found something else to end things with her one day, better now than after the wedding. You love eachother so much, you just have to let go, let all the love you have for each other go and be happy, I know it's not easy since your past, but she did forgive you and you have to forgive yourself too"

"I just want her to be happy Quinn, to stop her hurting, to make her stop crying, I hate to see her crying" At that point I enter the kitchen and they turn to me, I hug Brittany and she immediately hugs me back.

"I want to be happy too and I think I can only be with you Britt, yes I'm sad I have to break up with Victoria and end the engangement because I care about her and she's good for me but Britt, I love you, I want to be with you"

"Okay.. I have to go sign some paper for the house, I'll call you later if your not here ok?" She kissed my head while I nod, she goes away leaving me alone with Quinn.

"Did she call you?"

"No when you asked me to cover you I knew you were here, so you're sure, you're gonna break up with Victoria"

"Yes, but you already knew that"

"I knew that nothing could separate you two, you're Brittany and Santana"

"Yeah, I'm just scared as she is, what if it doesn't work?"

"Why? You said you forgave her, you love her, everything is gonna be fine, it will be weird at the beginning maybe but give it some time and it's gonna be alright"

"You're right, I'm just being silly"

"No you're not, you're just scared and it's ok to be San, if you were not scared it would have been a problem"

After Quinn left I take a shower and then I go back home, I park near our building, I see our windows open and I try to stay calm, to not start crying. I get out of the car and get inside the building, until I'm in front of my door, once I open it it would end. My phone ring, it's Brittany.

"Ehy" I say.

"Ehy are you ok?" She asks.

"I'm about to get home"

"Oh.. Do you want me to come there? I mean, I know I really shouldn't, but if you need me there I can come"

"Thank you, but I need to do it alone, I'll call you later?"

"Yeah, bye"

"Bye" I hang up.

I open the door and it seems no one is here, where is she? I go into our bedroom and she's sit on the bed looking down, what it's she looking at? I move closer and I see it's our picture.

"Vic?" She doesn't move "Vic I-"

"Just say it" She looks at me, she had cried "I mean we practically fought for how much Brittany still loves you and you left, I know you weren't at Quinn's 'cause I came there to get you, to fix things but your car weren't there even if you said you were there so.. You know, I saw it in your eyes.. I saw you change, since we talked about marriage, even before I asked you to marry me, but I did it anyway"

"I'm sorry Vic" I look down, what else I could say.

"I know you're sorry, you said _yes_ , I think you really meant it, you wanted to marry me even if you, you still love her.. You were with her last night" I look at her, she's looking at me and I nod slowly "You're here to break up with me" Now I'm crying, I sit on the same side of the bed she is, but not close to her.

"I'm so sorry, I'm really sorry, I didn't want to do this to you, I'm an horrible person, I should want you, but I.. I love her"

"I would like to tell you no, but yes you should want me more"

"I don't know what to say, what to do"

"You can start packing your stuff and then you're gonna call everyone and tell them the wedding is canceled" She stands up and walks to the door "I'm gonna leave you some time to pack.. I don't want her here"

I nod cleaning my face with my hands and she leaves slamming the door, I call Rachel asking her to help me, she still doesn't know but she's the only one who can help me, I won't call Brittany to come here and Quinn is busy with Joanna, and I don't want other people to be here, just the ones close to me. When Rachel arrives she askes me what happened but thankfully after years living together she knows when I need time before I can talk and then I think she already understood.

After hours we've packed all my things, she asked me if I have a place to stay and I shake my head, I know Brittany would offer me her house but I don't wanna live with her already, we're starting again, from the beginning.

She says I can stay with her, but I tell her it's not gonna be permanent, I'm gonna find an apartment. Before I close the door, I take my ring off my finger and place it on the table, just another look at what was my house, what was my life with Victoria and what it could have been and I close the door.

It's the second time I have to take _that_ ring off my finger.. I feel so lost and scared. And now?

Now I start again.. We start again.

 **Thank you for your reviews and I'm sorry for the wait and everthing. I don't know if you are still here and if you liked this chapter, but it's here.**

 **-Deb**


	10. Chapter 10

When Britt called I didn't answer, right now I'm lost in my head, things are happening so fast.. Am I doing the right thing? Why am I thinking about this now? It's late to go back, I know I want this, I know I want Brittany, it's just hard, it hurts right now and I didn't want to hurt anyone.

After awhile, I don't even know what time it is, I hear the door open, I don't move, someone lies on the bed behind me, arms hug me and I tight my eyes closed trying to not start crying again.

"I'm sorry, I don't know how to make this easier" It's Brittany, I turn to her so we are face to face.

"Don't be, it'll pass, just stay here"

She kisses my head and I close my eyes finally falling asleep.

When I open my eyes again Brittany is still sleeping, we're hugging, I missed her so much, I caress her face and peck her lips, so beautiful. I get up and go into the kitchen where I find Rachel.

"Ehy, how're you feeling?" She asks.

"As a bitch" I say with a small smile.

"Here" She gives me a cup of coffee "What's on your mind?"

"My mind is blurry right now,I don't know what to think so I focus on the only certain thing, I want Brittany, everything else is.. I don't wanna thing about it"

"We're all here for you, whatever you need, even if you just want to sit there and stay quiet I'm here for you"

"Thank you Rach"

We stay there for awhile talking about nothing, just watching some cooking program before Brittany joins us.

We pass the night together but not once they asked me about what I'm gonna do now or about Victoria. There's really nothing to say, I'm gonna keep working, I'm gonna find an apartment and I'm gonna see what happens with Brittany.

 **Some day later**

I already found a new apartment, I was so lucky, it's in the building next to Rachel's, so it's near her and my restaurant and only 10 minutes to Brittany's. They helped me to move my stuff, it wasn't so hard since everything was already packed, Quinn came too, but with Joanna she couldn't do much, she practically just watched us do all the work.

I had to call a lot of people and tell them about the wedding, all of them asked what happened and I just wanted to tell them to fuck off, but I managed to stay calm. Victoria called me twice, we had to decide what to do with the things we had in common, luckily for me it wasn't much, it was weird to see her. She didn't ask me anything, she wasn't even mean to me, I don't know, Brittany said she probably wanted to seem strong and indifferent in my eyes. I didn't ask her anything so I'll never know, she probably wanted to get ride of me as soon as possible.

I planned my weeks as work-work-work, I don't wanna do anything else, I wanna concentrate only to that and be by my self for awhile, I don't wanna fall into Brittany's arms too soon, I have to catch my self together and she seems to understand this.

 **One month later**

I'm cooking at the restaurant, it's been awhile since I cooked, the restaurant was doing so well that I just focused on the managening part hiring a chef instead. But I needed it, I'm so happy right now. Cooking makes me relax, it always had.  
My waitress enters and tells me there's something for me at the entrance, I walk there and I see this huge vase of red roses, I smile. I take the note and read "to the most beautiful girl in the world, I can't wait to see you" I take my phone and call Brittany.

"Hey San"

"You didn't have to"

"Didn't have to do what?"

"Oh.. I thought.." Disappointment takes me while I hold the note in my fingers.

"I'm kidding San, when are you free? I would like to take you out"

"Like a date?"

"Yes, would it be ok for you? Maybe I should have talked to you about it, you're probably not ready yet"

"Ehy Britt calm down, it's fine, I'm ready and I really want to go out with you"

"Are you sure?"

"Shut up Britt and thank you for the roses, it was too much"

"Nothing's too much for you"

"So sweet, I have to go back in the kitchen, I'll see you later?"

"Of course, bye"

I come back to work with a huge smile on my face, I can't wait for my date, I'm nervous yes but it'll pass once I'll see her.

I haven't talked to my parents yet, I mean, I told them the wedding is off but when they asked me why I just cut it off, I don't know what they're gonna say. Would they be happy? They love Brittany, but they like Victoria too, they know I was happy with her, I was gonna marry her, I don't even know if Brittany told Susan.

I have to talk to them eventually, they want to move here, I know they would move anyway to be near me, but they need to know things are different now, I'm not gonna married and they aren't gonna become grandparents soon. I'm gonna call them after our first date.

Once the day is over I walk out the restaurant and I see Brittany talking to someone outside, she sees me and smiles to me, I walk to her and she says goodbye to the person and come to me.

"Hi" She says kissing my cheek.

"Hey, what are you doing here?"

"I couldn't wait to see you so I came here as soon as I left work, it's ok?"

"It's amazing" I take her hand and we walk towards my apartment.

"I was thinking.. Are you free tonight?" I nod "Good, are you in the mood to go out with me? As a date I mean"

"Tonight? As now?" I look at my watch and widen my eyes "I have to hurry, I have to prepare myself"

"You're perfect, I would take you out right now if I didn't knew you would freak out like this" She smiles.

"Britt I have to shower and do my hair and the make up.. An-and the clothes, what should I wear?"

"Whatever you want"

"Britt we had this argument everytime we went out, I need to know if I can wear heels, if I can wear casual or if I need a dress, I need t-" She interrupts me.

"Ok ok, you can wear a dress and heels, but if you want to wear casual you can too, ok?"

"What it means? Casual or not? Are we-"

"Oh my God!" She laughs "Wear a dress and heels, we're going to a nice restaurant and then maybe to dance? I don't know we'll see"

"Ok, thank you" We arrive at my building.

"I'm gonna pick you up in like three hours?"

"Ok, see you later"

Once ready, here I am, in a black and red dress, a really tight one, midtigh and high heels, hair down, not too straight, a bit wavy and not too much make up on my face.

I walk out the elevator and Brittany is down the street near her car waiting for me, she's so beautiful, she has heels and tight dark jeans, I don't know how she can move in them. Then she has a tight blouse and a leather jacket on, her hair are on a high tight.. So sexy.

The beginning of the night was a bit weird, she said that sometimes she hates how beautiful I'm, I mean what?! Then she told me it's because other people are gonna look at me all night and that she can't even blame them.  
Now we're at the restaurant, it's amazing, really classy, she lets me order for both of us and then she orders the wine, a really expensive one, but she knows it's my favourite. We talk and talk, it's so easy to talk to her, it's like old times, when we were together, when she was my best friend. Right now I feel happy, smiling to nothing, laughing to the little things she says, really enjoying my time with someone.

After dinner she orders a dessert, just one, she takes the little spoon and slowly brings it to my mouth, then she takes a bite too, it's the way she does everything that mesmerized me. Once we finish the dessert she helps me with my coat and she pays for everything, I take her hand and we walk out.

She brings me to a new club, a huge discotheque, it's full of people, she leaves me to go take our drinks and a guy comes to me, I try to be polite but he's not getting it. Brittany comes back looking up and down this boy giving me the drink, she doesn't say anything, I tell the boy that we're together and he leaves but not before perving at us.  
We start dancing and with time, with all of these people we're forced to come face to face, our legs intertwined, her hands on my hips and mine one her neck, I feel so hot.

It's starting to get to my head, the way we move together, our hands touching our bodies, how I can feel her breath hit my face, I just couldn't hold anymore, I take her hand and rush to a secluded space, as it could be in here, but it's fine. I turn and I kiss her, her hands take my waist while I cup her head with mine gripping on her hair. We kiss slowly, passionately, then we open our mouths more and feel our tongues together, I moan softly in her mouth.

"I missed you so much" She says leaning her front on mine and ending the kiss.

"Me too" I close my eyes "Can we go? I need air" She nods.

After a little walk around she broughts me home, she parks and turns to me, I don't even try to resist, I take her face and kiss her again, I can feel her smiling against my lips.

"It's high school all over again" She says giggling.

"Yeah don't tell me, you feel toxic as you did then"

"I hope it's a good thing"

"Definitely, it's so good that I won't invite you up to my apartment 'cause I don't want to jump on you" I say smirking at her.

"It's for the best, I'm gonna go, I'll call you tomorrow?" I nod.

Another peck on her lips and I walk out her car.

 **Brittany POV**

Once at home I sit on the couch and just stare to nothing, I just had an amazing date with Santana, it's high school all over again for sure! God if I missed kissing her! I send her a goodnight text and then I go to bed myself.  
I sprint awake when something hits my face, what th- Joanna is sit next to my face with Quinn next to her sitted on the other pillow.

"Quinn I'm sleeping" I say covering my face with my hand, Joanna takes my fingers immediately with her little hands and starts to play with it.

"I couldn't wait anymore, how was your date?"

"I gave you the keys for emergencies not for this"

"You didn't call yesterday so"

"If it weren't for Joanna I'd kick your ass, why the hell aren't you harassing Santana?!"

"She's already at work and Rachel told me you were home"

"Of course she did"

I give up and sit, I take Joanna in my arms and start playing with her while I tell Quinn about our date. Now I feel complete again, Quinn became my sister in the years, but since we didn't talk about Santana after the wedding something was always kinda off. We're all related in some way so if you take one of us off the picture something breaks, but now we're all together so everything came back as perfect as it was.

 **I'm really really sorry, I'm blocked. I'm trying..**

 **Anyway thank you for you reviews and for who is still following :)**

 **-Deb**


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